05/19/2010

 I’ve been awful lately…..its the fact I won’t and refuse to deal with the past.  Its come up alot lately about husband passing away and all of that and I hate talking about it. I then sit there and think about what happened and  the feelings come back.  I really haven’t more than pushed it aside like an old shoe and talking  about it to others gets me frustrated and worked up.  I tell Dennis you don’t understand.  He gets worked up about things. Mostly my father not speaking to him but he sometimes acts like  Rich.  I don’t like to come out and say it when he does but he lately he has been and I don’t know if its because some of the meds he was on Dennis is now on and its one of those things or that’s its something else.   I really can’t talk about the whole situation without bawling.  Even parts of it nerve me up… I have thought about going to counseling again but I don’t know. I hate it, I hate them. I hate spilling my guts to strangers that really don’t care.  I liked when I did it as a group with other people that lost their spouse.  At least I didn’t feel like I’m looking at this counselor with the perfect (or portrays a perfect) life and feel looked down upon.  I guess the last one on one experience I felt that way and thought what the hell am I doing this for.   You know the one that told me all my problems would go away with a bubble bath and to ignore my kid when he got up over and over from bed when the real issue was that I would find husband dead one morning.  The one that was pregnant and due the same time I would have been if I didn’t miscarry?? 

 I don’t let it bother me on  a daily basis and its only when it comes up but lately its been A LOT.   We stopped by a friend’s house Saturday and she was my husband’s friend. Her husband was there and we talked and it came up as she had talked about him to her husband.   Rich and her were really close but never girlfriend or boyfriend thing.  I thought they were  or would be but nope.   We still stay in touch alot.  She wasn’t there so he asked more about what went on.  

Today I talked about it a little with him….you don’t understand what I went through was most of  all I could say…  it started with his brother saying his sister raised her son alone.  He retorted back he wasn’t much help so she’s doing most of the work. (true) Then I started, it was the easiest when I was alone…. When husband was alive he wasn’t much help at all and it  was really rough.  At this point I wanted to break out into tears just thinking about it.  Cooking cleaning, working, caring for Andrew, scheduling appointments, running to the hospital, EVERYTHING fell on my shoulders. EVERYTHING!!!  If it was only Andrew and I …piece of cake… it wasn’t .   I looked at him and said that’s why I let you do most of the stuff you do. I’m use to doing it alone.   

I want to write more but I’m exhausted….Jonathan’s is a moody little thing and keeps getting up at night.  The rest of his teeth are coming now and he’s not a happy camper (molars and all)