.tears.for.sappho.

It seems we can never veer to far from our past.  I wrote this under my previous nom de plume:

______________________________

today, and all the others that taste like this
[Favorites Only Entry]
Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I chose, in a moment of fear, regret over guilt.  It took me five long hours of tear-stained miles to get home on the train.  How I wish you hadnt listened to my confused objections and been there, enigmatically by the luggage and foreign travelers.  I cant blame you.  I warned you of my irresponsible heart.  My ordered and numbered life.  How I wish for a 7 between the 11 and the 13.  You popped up like that, you know.   A card that wasnt supposed to be played,  a canadian penny in my change.  Something I didnt ask for, and dont know what to do with.

The flavor of those melancholy miles was sharp and echoed the pangs that beat from within.  Rat-tat.  Rat-tat.  Kepping in time with the sounds of the tracks.  Nameless bodies rushed by in a blur, as I festooned my face with falsehoods.   Scratching through the paper with my graphite 2B.  Attempting in futile fervor to remove this sound from my lungs.  To scream in silence the chime of my unsung melody.  It was so long, so very long.  

And so, now I am left with this soiled palate and an empty soul.  You speak now in an unfamilliar tongue, or maybe my ears are failing.  The timbre of your voice seems to have changed.  You offer yourself with so few syllables.  I let it all scatter behind me, far out the back of my brain and laid as waste along the path of my journey from your platform.  Thats where you live, among the crushed cans and impervious weeds.  Every rustle of the breeze stirring an uncommon note, a wasted symphony.

How I wish that a gift ungiven had value.

______________________________

I have been thinking quite alot about this today.   Reading old emails.  For some reason, I deleted all the old sweet one, and the only ones I have now are the ones I sent her, after I had gone two months without speaking to her.  I just couldnt anymore.  It hurt too badly.

I wish I could fast forward my life to a time when I can do what I want, but rewind my life simultaneously to a time when you believed in me.  That is what I want.

Unfortunately, I dont think the space time continuum supports such events.

That is a snippet of something I wrote her back then.  When I knew it was too late.  The thing is that I never thought I’d have a second chance.  And this time, I am so afraid.  So afraid of fucking it all up again with my fear and insecurity.  I am so afraid, because I dont think I’ll get another chance.

What is wrong with me?