mieux avec les garçons

Yes, i did return.  As became regular with my old diary, I sometimes just dont log in.  It happens.

It’s been a long couple of weeks.  I went to the conference, like I said, and some unexpected things happened.  At first, I wanted to run until my legs gave out, which wouldnt have been very far of course, but nevertheless.  Of course, I couldnt do that, so I stuck it out.  I wound up hanging out with some really amazing people, and it changed my mind about some things.  Unfortunately, that helped in some ways and in others, just made me more confused.

We overslept the night before, so we were late, and I wound up missing the one workshop I really wanted to go to.  Three days of stuff, and only one for partners-go figure.  Of course, thats pretty much how it is in the whole community, so I wasnt very suprized.  Go ahead and try googling "support for partners of the transgendered".  IF you actually find anything, its most likely a dead link. 

So, the weekend started out on a bad note for me.  Then, we went to lunch with all the boys, and D left me by myself.  This is where it all turned around.  The boys (a small group of FTMs from NYC that d knows from group) were kind to me in ways that I cant even describe.  A couple of them started talking to me about how I was feeling.  They asked ME how I was feeling.  I am embarassed to say that i was so touched, i cried.  Right there on a streetcorner in downtown Philly, tears streaming down my face.  And instead of being weird, they understood. They understood all the ten million things I couldnt say, the questions, the need to be strong for him, and hide my grief.  In a moment that I should have felt naked and embarassed, i felt for the first time that this was my community.  I felt like there were people who cared, and who (i found out later) thought i was pretty awesome for sticking by d.  Of the group, two had girlfriends when they began transitioning, and neither were still together.  I discovered that the reason there isnt any support is because no one really stays together.

So, as the day turned in to night, we hung out, and had some funny and memorable moments.  We discovered that the secret kink party was in the hotel room adjacent to ours, and that an amazing amount of people could fit in to that hotel room (as we watched from the peephole).  Mikey and Nathan (my two favorite boys in the world) hung out with us, and I had one of the best nights I’ve had in a very long time.  Mikey got drunk and we had to put him to bed, and then the three of us went to the diner.  We discovered that beer is very expensive in Philly (12.50 for a 6 of Yuengling!!!), and that the diners arent that great.  Nathan (a very shy somewhat dorky boy) and the passed-out Mikey (4’10" of boy that he is) slept in the next bed, and I went to bed a happy person.

The next day, there wasnt much to go to in the am, so I abducted Nathan to wander the streets of Philly.  We talked and had bubble tea.  He asked me why I never came out with d, and i nicely explained that I was slave to the home.  He thought that was pretty rotten, although I was magnanamous about it.  I really didnt care about it right then.  We had to leave shortly after, but not before hugs and my promise to see them again.  Nathan hugged me a hundred times, and Mikey made me promise him that if d wasnt good to me to let him know.  He even joked that if d didnt want to love me good enogh he would.  I was sad to leave them and this time beind.

I came to Philly reluctantly, expecting to feel like an outsider.  I left with two friends, and a feeling of self. 

I actually also left with a healthy crush on a shy dorky boy, but we wont talk about that *shh*

So, I said it made me realize some things, and it did.  I realized that the trans thing isnt the problem with us.  Obviously, as evidenced by the preceeding italicized sentence, I can be attracted to boys.  More and more it is becoming apparent that the problem (as I could have told you over a year ago) is d.  No, it isnt as bad as it once was, and in some ways, it has gotten much better.  But i’m still waiting.  I love him, whoever he is.

So, this concludes the longest entry in history.