innane depressing prattle
This is the second night in a row I have been at work at 8pm. Although I am listening to streaming christmas music, it is a little hard to be in the spirit when I am most likely going to be working on shit from this damn place in my "free" time until New Years. Yeah, in case I hadnt previously mentioned it, my assinine useless boss decided that since he fucked the budget all year and cant afford to pull a paycheck for himself, I am going to be the only one working. Not to mention the fact that I havent been getting a pull paycheck since halloween.
I am so freaking overwhelmed. We are flat ass broke, and it is christmas… The hap hap happiest time of year or something I guess. The time of year that you are made to feel like a schmuck if you cant give everyone on youre list the perfect gift, preferrably a Lexus, or something with an equally prohibitive price tag. I mean, we got the kids some stuff, albeit not what they wanted. And mary has been great about the fact that everything i can afford to get her sucks. Not only that, but we have had to spend almost all the christmas money people sent us to keep the power on.
And then, to top the whole load of shit off, I found out that i have basically been going to school for nothing because i was so ignorant that I didnt know I was in the wrong degree program. Interesting information for someone who relied upon admissions counselors to advise me on what degree I needed for my goals. Apparently there is a large difference between a BA and a BFA. Whatever. You know, its not like I am some (forgive me if you are) silly kid who can study whenever they want and go to school as my job. I mean, fuck man. I have broken my neck to do all of what I have done, and it was all for nothing.
Just seems like nothing is ever enough. I work all the fucking time, and thats not even counting that my boss calls me all the damn time… I dont think I have ever known a 40 hour work week. The luxury of being salaried, I guess. And now, I am saddled with the annual report to our funders, an IRS nightmare (just found out about that one today), getting all grasstops leaders in the state to sign onto a letter for the Democratic leadership in the house, and putting together a state conference. This fuckig sucks. Not to mention that the boss informed me if i want to leave, i have to tell him a year ahead of time… well, fuck you.
Fuck you, eric.
And to top it all off, in order for me to be able to start school next fall, I have to apply to all these schools that are hard as hell to get into by february. the applications arent that hard, anyone can tell you i know how to write… I have a good GPA, and I interview well. But i need a goddamn portfolio. Which, again, requires time. Time I dont have.
You know, it just makes me so sad. I feel like all this talent I have is wasted. I am talented, and I know that. I have so many ideas, so much passion for it… But none of that matters if all you do is fall into bed sometime past midnight every night. Mary got me a drawing table, and my most recent neglected work has been staring forlornly at me ever time i rush past it… I just dont even have time to breathe. Like, even tonight, at Dora’s christmas program.. I get to feel like a big piece of shit because I was the only mom who didnt have time to practice a song to sing with my kids for the talent show… while they all ask me sadly why we couldnt do what all the other kids do.. about why I dont even have time to go to their open house…Sometimes, I hate my obligations. Thats what it feels like, you know. Like my whole life is filled overflowing with shit i have to do. I wake up before dawn every damn morning, you know. Shower, get kids up, dressed, fed, and to school. Get to work. Work all damn day, get home (if i dont have class) sometime around 6:30. Then, comes dinner, bath, homework, cleaning up, and every other damn thing in the world. And thats on a slow day. Usually there is some other shit i have to do, like go to some store, or school, or dads, or something… or, mary is at work and i have to take to bus, which for some ungodly reason takes 2 hours to travel three miles.
I dont know. I seriously doubt anyone read this far… I am just so tired of my life the way it is. I am so tired of paying. I feel like thats all i ever do. Doesnt make a bit of difference that I can paint/draw/sculpt really well, if all these pieces ever do is live unfinished. Just doesnt fucking matter. I just feel like I have been blessed with a bunch of awesome things that I will never be able to enjoy. Just a fucking tease. All my life is a fucking tease.
Ill just be, for all my ambition, a workaday bastard until i die. Thats how it will happen, you know. My kids will grow up, Ill finish school, and ill fucking croak. Seems like thats the way fate is, anyway. All these dreams I managed to convince myself were possible are all just a fucking lie. A carrot to get me to work another day, to ignore my growing fatigue another day, to try and pretend my teeth dont hurt, to try and keep the downstairs clean at least, and hope no one sees the mountain of clean clothes i dont have time to fold. I hate myself. I wish I hadnt had kids. I wish my parents had given a fuck about me. I wish they did now. You know, I have to pay my dad to watch my kids? Thats rich, aint it. The only one to go to college in 2 generations, and no one even gives a fuck. He sees my work and tells me how he could do better if he had time like me. Yeah, this from the useless fuck that doesnt even have one job, much less school. But whatever. Yeah, did you know my grandparents were rich? Like, not even "wealthy", i mean fucking disgustingly rich. Bastards struck oil on their ranch. But they hate me. Because Im a dissapointment or something I guess. Give my dad money like its nothing, but hey… dont go sending me a christmas card or anything. No one in my family even remembered my goddamn birthday. My mom called me drunk at 11pm. Wow. Dont I feel special. Everyone can just go fuck themselves. I am so tired of the shit…
I just feel like I have been the one my whole life that was responsible. I was the one who did the budget when I was a kid.. Yeah, serisouly…. I would add up whatever my dad didnt shove down some crackhead’s g-string and whatever my mom didnt waste at the bar and pay bills. Pot was a line item for them. As was a daily case of busch. Cant forget that, you know. Fuck the gas… who needs a hot bath?
I guess Im just real lovely right now, and im sorry. I just feel like crawling into a hole. I wish sometimes that I could be someone else, someone who could enjoy life. But i guess im just a useless miserable fuck. Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe if i was just a little better at everything i wouldnt feel like such a fuck up. Then I
wouldnt wind up staying up all night to write a report i wont get paid for. While my drawing sits half done, like it will stay until i finally give up and put it with all the others.
I hate myself.