Chaque fois que…

Every time I think that I am free of her, I find myself back at this place of insanity.  The past few weeks, since I began here, I was feeling more and more okay.  Time and my talented ability to put things out of mind worked hard to erase her from my thoughts.  I was nearly there.  But, of course she remembers me.  Jen and her broke up, and in all honesty, it was on the rocks for a while.  So, who would she turn to, but the person who is always there for her?  I have always been an ear, a shoulder, a distraction.  As she is for me.  But this time, this time I really thought i was strong enough to survive.  I was wrong.

After a few days of mad texting, I talked to her on the telephone for almost four whole hours.  Since we are both each-other’s secret, that is rare these days.  Oh the things we took for granted back when we could while away the days talking for hours on end.  But, I digress…

We talked about her, about me, about Jen, and about him.  We talked about everything.  It is important to note that although there is always this electricity when we speak, we never actually talk about it anymore.  Once D and I got back together last year, we drew a very thick line.  Mostly, we dont cross it.  No one needs to feel any more guilty about a secret friendship than they need to.  So, when we were discussing the subject of cheating, and she chose to use her and i as an example, i could literally hear her blush from across the telephone line.  Then, again later in the conversation we were talking about how Jen wanted her to buy sex toys, and we begin discussing intimate likes and dislikes.  I nearly told her that I remember what she likes-she told me back when we used to have these sort of conversations without restriction…  But I was good.

Aside from those subjects, which I might add we havent discussed since back when, it was still a very good conversation.  And so, two days later, I’m still finding myself thinking of her in that odd time before you are fully awake, and at odd times when you dont realize you are daydreaming.

I really seriously cant do this.  It is insanity.  Because every time that I allow her to again rent space in my mind, it is so hard to get her out.  I begin contempating things that I shouldnt do.  I begin wanting things that I shouldnt want.  It is so so so so horrible and wonderful at the same time.  On one level, I am so happy to have her, to know her, to have found her; and on another, I feel the most horrible lonesome sadness that I have ever felt. 

I cant cant cant cant cant cant do this again.  No, I’m not happy.  No, no one cuddles me and makes me feel wanted.  No, I havent really had anything resembling decent sex in a very very very long time.  But at least I am.  I am.

But there is this part of me that I havent ever been able to silence.  This wedge-shaped emptiness that wishes for one night, just one, that I could belong to her.

She makes me contemplate madness.

*sigh*