Avec la rapidité
*sigh* I am continually amazed at how quickly sane turns to crazy. I was normal Friday, and now I have completely lost all grip on reality. Ridiculous person that I am, analyzing the fucking texture of words to find one that has the smoothness of hope.
AHH! How do i let this happen.
I wish there would come a damn day that I just spill it to her. Maybe it would go something like this:
Hey listen broad, i have motherfucking been in love with you for like a little more than two years, and it has quite thoroughly taken from me every last vestige I had of sanity. The times I manage to not think about you, I succeed somewhat poorly at shutting out not just you but the entire world. During this time, I try to be your meaningful but arms distance friend. Then something always happens. Either we spend a little too much time talking, something. Then all this madness happens all over again. We begin talking and communicating constantly. I cant sleep, I cant eat, all I do is think about you and the next time I talk to you, the next time i see you. I talk about you to everyone and overanalyze every snippet of communication for evidence that you feel as madly for me as I do for you. Of course, I always manage to find some reason to doubt that possibility, which brings me to the lowest of lows.
I love you, I tell you. I dont mean it how you think I do. I mean it like i would fucking listen to you breathe for a hundred years, as long as my skin can measure its rhythm. I mean it like I would cook you dinner every damn day and match your socks. I mean it like I want to talk to you about not just our past, but future. I want to know everything you ever thought, and be there for the next idea. I fucking love you, and it kills me.
*sigh*
It’s always like this for us. There will be these few days of fevered and honest conversation, where we both almost say it. Then for a couple of days, you distance yourself. Listen, im not a fool. I know I hurt you. I know we are both still in shit and if anything happened it would be wrong. I just need to know. I need to know if you feel that way about me. I NEED to.
Dear God, please make sure I dont say anything retarded or act like an ass, even though she likely wouldnt think any differently of me.
I am so so so ready to know. No matter what the answer is.
and the last sentence should be your answer…focus on that
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