A nine pound hammer, or a woman like you.

For me, this was a big week.  I somehow managed to both tell Jamie how I feel about her, and tell Dominic that I want to break up.  These are two things that on Monday, I didnt think possible. 

I understand that in large part, many of the things I have written here for the last 6 years have had a common theme.  First, I have came here time and again to vent about Mary/Dominic.  It hasn’t really ever been a healthy relationship.  Less than one year in, he expressed his desire to move out, and I truly regret fighting him on it.  The thing is that twice in 3 years, I had completely uprooted myself and my family to follow my heart, and I was unwilling to accept that I chose poorly.  That sentence sums up the anguish and pain of 6 years that couldn’t be expressed if I wrote a novel.  I made a mistake, and it cost me.  It cost me onefold because I was unhappy, twofold because i was unwilling to accept that I was wrong.  Threefold because I was afraid to trust my heart again.

He left me in January of 2005, which completely destroyed me.  There were integral parts of our relationship that were never again the same.  In retrospect, I dont think I ever really trusted him again.  On an almost 6 month schedule since then, he has continued to leave me, which desperately calls in to question my sense of self worth, and rightfully so.  In all honesty, it no longer mattered if he stayed or left, because every time he shut me out, every time he had a harsh word, i prepared for the grand exit.  My heart is an impenetrable fortress that no wo/man can enter, and he was first on the list of those to be turned away.  If my 26 year old self knew what my 29 year old self does, I would have realized that it was doomed from that moment. 

When he left again in 2007, it was less than 6 months after I had uprooted my entire family to move 1400 miles from home, to New Jersey, his family’s home.  So, when he left me, it was panic.  I had no idea where to turn.  I had no one.  I turned to starvation and sleepless nights.  I turned to endless cigarettes and anyone who would pay me attention.  That is when I met Jamie.  We met during the week Mary spent with her ex in a hotel room.  It was possibly the worst week of my life, and I met this wonderful person that (largely unknown to her) truly literally saved me from myself.  She was in a similar place, and we took comfort in each other, in whispered flesh, and we knew ourselves better in those moments than we ever had.  We spoke for 12 hour conversations, wondering where the time went to.  Somehow, in this sea of despair, we held each other afloat.  I loved her then.

Fear is a insidious motivator.  Fear caused me to let him back into my bed, if not my heart.  In doing so, I broke hers.  We did not speak for months.  By the time I realized I couldn’t forget her, she was with Jen.  We spoke, but her voice had changed.  It didn’t lilt to me anymore when she heard my hello.  I broke my own heart in those moments worse than Mary ever had.  As time went on, we became friends, then best friends.

Three years later, and we are both approaching 30.  We have met in person, and the moment her lips brushed mine at the 9th st path will remain tucked away in my heart until my death.  I have finally come to realize that if I never find out, if i never love her, I will die incomplete.  You can think that it is ridiculous, but approaching 30 has brought a number of things in to sharp focus for me.  I no longer see my life as an endless strand of possibility.  It is a finite line, that if not cherished, falls away into the chasm of yesterday forgotten.  I am now unwilling to let any more of that length go wasted.  Yes, i may struggle.  I may be alone.  But if I never know, I will live out the rest of my days in a sate of unknowing that  will eat my very soul.

So, yes I have written the same thing over and again.  That was merely a symptom of my life being stuck, something I endeavour to resolve.   The imminent divorce of Dominic’s mother and her wife Trish(yes, the ones that married last September) has given me an ally (Trish) that wants to help me escape this family.  I feel like fate has finally decided that immobility is no longer possible, and this is something i find quite welcome.

So, I hope this was the last time I will have to write about my mind, as my body moves along in a life unwanted, dreams unfulfilled.  I hope that if my heart truly was mistaken, that it is something I can live with.  I think that it is.

If anyone actually read this far, thank you.  Perhaps this sheds some light on the dark places.

Je ne parle pas vraiment français.