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I am just too fucking tired for this.

I have gotten into two im conversation/arguments with mary in the last two days, adn i guess from what she is saying, im jsut supposed to sit here and deal.  She is going to move out, and we are still going to "be together".  Yeah. Sure.  Because you can just walk the fuck away from everything bad and hard and stressful and leave me with it, while you have yoru freedom and come around when you are lonely.  Because thats love.  Thats fair. 

Like I said, im just too tired for this.  I thought, you know, when we went through all this in january, that it was resolved.  If you wanted out so bad, and it was so horrible, why did you come back?  Why put me through this again?  I am a good partner.  I work hard for everyone else, making sure your fucking happiness is taken care of.  I guess maybe I just need to remove/recuse myself.  No matter at all.  Just as soon as i start believing in forever, its gone.  Either I take what you have offered, or nothing.  Well, dont I wish I got to make up the choices.  That isnt love.  But whatever.  I guess my life will go down in the annals of history as the person who was always less important and special than she believed.  Why dont you have that epitaph carved on my headstone.

I just wish I could excize this me that I have worn, and place it in a scrapbook.  Press this humanity into a botanical specimen sandwiched between absorbent pages.  Maybe, in the future, when the damp caring that inhabited it is finally gone, I will be able to look upon my once-was-self and find some solace there.  Or maybe i should just forget me altogether. 

I just cant stand being me anymore.