Not sure what I’m feeling.

I’m 28 years old and today my mom messaged me and 5 of my other siblings that her and my dad are separating. They’ve been together for 32 years. I received the text as I was pulling in to get my daughter from school. The first thing she wrote was,”I didn’t want to text this but calling each one of you is not an easy task….lol”

My parents have had their fair share of arguments. She threatens divorce at least four times a year, once every season. My dad really loves her. I know that for sure because growing up no matter how much us kids tried to tell him how she would act towards us when he wasn’t around, he always would side with her. You can see the love that he has for her, even when she’s yelling obscenities at him. That’s why the news hurt me so bad.

Religion has taken over her mind. I believe in God but I also believe in therapy and getting help from a mental health professional. An example of her mentality is that being suicidal is a demon that needs to be prayed away, and you’re setting yourself up to be locked in a psych ward if you seek help.

I’m not going to act like im happy about my parents separating you know? It sucks and I don’t know how I’m feeling or even how I’m supposed to feel about it. It’s weird being an adult having your parents separate.

My dad was able to get an apartment in the same complex I live in. I don’t know how I feel about that. I cried a little while cooking dinner tonight thinking about how he’s going to be alone in his apartment, promising myself to bring him dinner every night. My mom is a homemaker, she’s the one whose always done the grocery shopping and laundry.

The only feeling I can identify is that I want to get fucked up, or smoke some weed (I threw my vape away last week) I even want to smoke a cigarette (I used to smoke them when I was in my late teens) but Im in a place in my life where I want to learn to work through my feelings in a healthy way so I can be a better, healthier version of myself.