Early morning trauma dump, pt 3.

5:40am

My therapist told me to journal when I have memories from growing up that keep me from sleeping. This is only a small bit of my childhood but it’s the stuff that is keeping me up tonight for whatever reason.

Memory 3.

One of my foster brothers died when I was 18.

Him and his biological brother had came into our house when I was 14. He was one year older than me. He had medical problems and at one point while living with us he had a heart transplant. When my parents asked him if he wanted to be adopted he chose to age out of the foster system instead. A year after having the heart transplant he contacted his biological mom and at the age of 19 he moved to another town 2 hours away to live with her on an Indian reservation, he was native American. This lady was a horrible influence on him, she allowed him to start smoking weed and drinking only a year after having a heart transplant. This caused him to have a heart attack and die.

This devistated me and sent me on a bad path. A few years before him and his brother came into our home we were going to adopt a little boy, this little boy wound up getting murdered by the home we were adopting him from. They had been starving and beating him and on his 7th birthday he was found dead in a closet. So after this second death and the way I was being treated by my mom, I snapped. I became the person she always said I was despite not being that person up to the point. But I snapped.

I was a senior in highschool working a full time job as a caregiver at an assisted living facility after school, I realized that with everything going on I needed to do school online. I couldn’t stand being around people anymore. I went to the principal and requested to take school online. He said no. I said I would do it in the library at the school if it was a concern about me not having the ability to do it at home. He said no again. I asked him “why can’t I do it online?! I’m going through alot and I don’t see myself finishing school with out being able to do it online!” His literal response was ” you can’t do online school because I said so.” Because I said so?! I then told him, “you’re not my fucking Dad, I will no longer be attending school.” I dropped out as soon as I walked out of his office. My mom always told me I’d drop out, because my oldest brother did, so I was just fulfilling the profecy.

Now as an adult I’ve learned, through mending my relationship with my mom, that myself and my siblings were treated poorly by my principal and teachers in my school because there was a rumor that went around about my mom and my principal sleeping together, despite them both being married.

Back to me being a fresh highschool dropout. One weekend shortly after my brother dieing and me dropping out, I went to a house party for the first time ever. That night I was the drunkest I’ve ever been to this day. It was my first time drinking. I’m pretty sure I had alcohol poisoning. At one point I remember puking in a kitchen sink, a bunch of the guys that were in my class were watching me from a couch. I remember needing to pee really bad but being too drunk to move from the kitchen sink. I remember slurring “I need to pee!” I could hear the guys laughing to each other but I was in a drunken paralyzed vomiting state. I farted really loud and pissed all over myself. A couple people helped me to the bathroom laughing the whole time, I was in and out of blacking out. When I get very drunk I always want to shower, the shower is my safe place. I didn’t know this at that time so I wound up getting naked in front of everyone in my class and climbing in the bathtub, someone turned the shower on for me. I vividly remember looking up and seeing a couple guys staring at my naked body from behind the shower curtain. I was too drunk to care. None of these people were my friends, I was always the girl that annoyed everyone and I hated that about myself. I didn’t have any friends in highschool, I got a tip from myspace about the party and invited myself to it. Desperate to be part of the group, desperate to have someone care about my wellbeing. My husband was going through his own teenage angst at this time so he had gone to a different party with his bros, I think I may have broke up with him between the time of dropping out of school and attending the party.

It’s crazy what I start to remember as I type out my journal entries. Alot of what I write down is the images that flash into my head, almost like short movie clips. The mind is a crazy thing.