A Random Conversation

Me:: hey

Friend: hiiiii

Me:: long time no see :-p

Friend: it happens

Friend: whats crackin

Me:: Same batch of nothing.

Me:: That whole trying to find meaning thing, still.

Friend: oh, yeah me too

Me:: I dunno, it seems during the day I’m fine, I sleep, I am content. But I get to work, I’m about to load up a game or something, then I think…why? I’m back to where I want to do. But I have no idea what, or why, or where, or how. Maybe I’m looking too deeply?

Friend: that could be part of the problem

Friend: although i tend to do the same thing

Me:: It’s because neither of us is satisfied with “getting by”.

Me:: I know that, as for me, I want to do things that are meaningful. Not necessarily meaningful in a charitable way, I won’t lie to you there. I mean meaningful to me, something that I can look at and be satisfied about.

Me:: so what are you doing, anyway

Friend: im listening to you

Friend: im drunk

Me:: Mmm I see. Well I hope I’m being slightly entertaining then

Friend: sorry im not talking. and i totally know what you mean… a “life”, at least a mediocre life is not enough…

Me:: Exactly.

Me:: Except I’m not all too sure how to make it not quite so mediocre.

Friend: yeah me either

Me:: Maybe we’re expecting too much of ourselves. But then again, I’m the sort of person who actually wonders why the hell we’re here. Gotta be some reason. Or maybe there doesn’t need to be a reason, but I’m unable to believe that we’re actually insignificant.

Friend: i think there is a reason

Friend: theres gotta be

Me:: I’d like to believe so.

Friend: i think everything has a reason, and everything has meaning’

Me:: Yeah. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Me:: Surely we’re not here to be born, live, be miserable, then die.

Friend: thats true

Me:: Of course, it’s doubtful we’ll ever know. So we have to make it as worthwhile to us as we can.

Friend: i guess so. but the question is, how in the hell do you do that?

Friend: its not easy

Me:: You do what makes you feel “successful”. Something that makes you feel, at the least, content. Stuff that makes you feel happy.

Friend: BUT you cant always find that]

Me:: True. That’s part of the search. Where we’re at, I imagine.

Me:: Well, actually, I know what makes me happy. I just have to find somebody dumb enough to want to live with me for a long, long time 😉

Friend: lol heyyy same here

Me:: Actually, if I gain nothing else from life, I could live with just that.

Friend: i guess yeah me too

Me:: Of course, you see, I can hardly expect to find that by doing what I do now.

Friend: thats true

Me:: Eh. well. One day, anyway.

Friend: good way of looking at it, we are young

Me:: Yeah, but I’d like to get someone to go through life with me while I’m young. Not after I’ve already gone through life.

Friend: that makes so much sense

Friend: now im gonna cry lol

Me:: 🙁 I’m sorry

Friend: nah its okay

Me:: I just figured it made sense. To me, anyway.

Friend: it does make sense… to me too.

Friend: i want it all right now, and i know i cannot have it all right now.

Me:: Exactly.

Friend: the worst part is the not knowing

Me:: The not knowing when.

Me:: I know that, generally, we all live a fairly long time. You and I both have a lot to look forward to. I just personally feel I’d like to have somebody I love next to me when those things, good and bad, happen. Those people in their 80s+ you keep hearing about who’ve been married for 60 years? That’s what I want. That’s awesome.

Friend: so true

Friend: and even if it happens for me, it wont happen for over 4 years.

Friend: its a hard thing to accept.

Me:: Yeah.

Me:: It’s hard to me, too, because there’s not much else that I really want from life. I’d like money, or a nice car, or a nice house. But that’s not what I really want, and I don’t want those things until I have this first. I have no interest in fame, and I don’t really want to have a lot of money. I want to travel, I want to do all sorts of things…with someone special though.

Friend: exactly. it all seems so pointless when you dont have anyone to share those things with

Me:: Yeah. Like all these rich people in their 60s+ who have all the money in the world, yet live alone with no one to share it with, because with all that cash you can’t trust anyone’s feelings. I don’t want that.

Friend: me either.

Friend: id rather just live in my car than have that

Friend: money is the least of my worries.

Me:: I guess I need to stop getting online and go meet people. Bleh.

Friend: yeah well, that could be good

Friend: its hard though, i know

Me:: It is.

Friend: i wouldnt be able to go out and meet people

Me:: Especially considering that, without the ‘net, I never would have met you and all the other people I talk to regularly.

Friend: yeah

Me:: Now, one thing I wish I had was enough money to go visit all the people I’ve met online. Weird as it sounds, the best people I know are all online, and you’re the ones I’d want to meet most.

Friend: yeah i agree

Friend: i wish i could do that too

Me:: Of course, it’s really not a feasible thought, so I have to actually resort to going *shudder* outside, and meet people.

Me:: How the hell do you meet people!?!? I’ve forgotten!

Friend: i have no idea. i dont go to school anymore…

Friend: so the only way i know is work

Friend: but then they are bad people

Friend: usually

Me:: Same here. And look at where I work! I see nobody.

Friend: thats so true

Me:: I mean, can you really just walk up to somebody in a mall, go “hey, I’m Bryan, I want to get to know you because you’re hot, let’s go get lunch?”

Friend: lol no

Friend: you cant really

Friend: not where i live

Me:: So how the hell does it work, then! This is crazy I tell you.

Me:: I’ll have to get into college just to meet people? “What’s your major?”
Me:: “Meeting chicks.”

Friend: yeah pretty much

Friend: i always met people at the library lol

Me:: Hey, that’s an idea.

Me:: I’m into the stereotypically “geeky” types. Hmm.

Friend: yeah me too

Me:: Librarian: “So, can I help you find a book?”
Me:: “Nah, but can you tell me if she *points* is single? Maybe you could talk to her for me?” Hehe.

Friend: LOL

Friend: youve gotta do the talking yourself man!

Me:: I know lol

Me:: That’s the hard part! I’m no good!

Friend: i know, im so glad im a girl and i have an excuse

Me:: Online I can open up a chat window, type a name I’ve found, and say, “Hey, I found your name *here*, what’s up”

Me:: and it goes from there. I can’t do that irl!

Me:: Now, luckily, give me some sort of icebreaker and I can probably take care of myself. But I’m really no good at this sort of thing.

Friend: yeah and me, being quite antisocial myself… i dont know what to tell ya. i hate guys coming up to me

Me:: Well see, you’ve got to do your part too!

Me:: If a guy like me manages to waltz his way up to you and talk, good lord talk back!

Friend: lol yeah i know

Friend: but trust me, pray to god you dont walk up and try to talk to a girl like me

Me:: But don’t be obvious about it either. The ones who are “too nice”. Pheh.

Friend: lol im not one of those

Me:: See, part of my problem is a lack of .. the word slips me, for some reason.

Friend: lol well, im too drunk to think of it for you

Me:: That’s okay hehe.

Friend: lol

Friend: im a big conversationalist when im drunk

Me:: Probably the only reason I don’t go chattin’ it up with random people everywhere is because I care too much about what people think.

Me:: *cranks his computer speakers up* Ahh, Maroon5…

Friend: wow i was just listening to that

Me:: Oh yeah? Which song?

Friend: the whole cd lol

Me:: Ahh hehe.

Me:: I need to buy that CD.

Friend: through with you is my favorite song

Friend: but yeah the cd is a good investment

Me:: I don’t think I’ve heard that one.

Me:: She Will be Loved is the one I listen to most

Me:: Harder to Breathe is good too

Me:: hell, they’re all good, no doubt

Friend: they are

Me:: See, I have this weird thing about music: every song I can connect to some sort of event. I tend to listen to the same song over, and over, and over, until I get it memorized, while doing other things, so I can connect those songs with whatever actions I was taking at the time.

Friend: i kind of do the same thing

Me:: Like She Will Be Loved I usually listened to either in my car or while playing EverQuest early in the morning, while I was half-asleep and almost passed out. So now when I listen to it, it helps me to “zone out” artificially, if that makes sense, kind of leave everything else behind while still being here. If that makes any sense.

Friend: that does make sense, yes