intimacy with pain..

intimacy n.

The state of being intimate; close familiarity or association

1: close or warm friendship; 2: a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship; 3: a feeling of being intimate and belonging together;

pain n.

An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.

Suffering or distress

an illusion at times, where the mind wafts likes a subtle breeze. pain in so many different forms that it can only be recognized by a throbbing, or ache. the heart aches invovled when the mind takes a different path from an objective and we become consumed, near obsessed, with that intimate perusal of secrets kept locked and hidden away.

do we dare unlock the forgotten and hope they just go away, when we know that they won’t until dealt with? or sweep them under the rug so to speak to deal with them at another time, when we’re ready, and pray that time never arrives?

those intricate threads that weave in and out, the frayed end of the countless times the search has begun toward the center core in a discovery that will never stop. learning more about the individuality that makes us who and what we are.

are you scared, yet?

did you blink at that question? or perhaps sit back in your chair and mutter, “Well I’ll be darned…” or something like that?

this is where the heart dances on the tongue in an effort to form the words that so desperately need to be let out. but when we’re afraid of the pain that we know will follow, we find ourselves making excuses for another time, just not right now. the overwhelming impact of dealing with it is too much.

or is it?

a few times i’ve mentioned that i am not one who likes confrontations. that statement is better clarified in its definition of confrontations with others. by taking that first step, i confront myself. argue with myself. disagree with myself. try to be the objective “outsider” looking in and seeing things differently. sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. more often than not, i find myself coming here to express and then peek back in to see the comments left by those who stopped by.

in learning more about who and what i am, i’ve learned that this experience is both a re-birth and a discovery that i never thought existed. how many times do we question ourselves at any and in any given situation? how do we know if what we chose and decided was right until after it’s all said and done?

we don’t. and that’s how we learn. by making mistakes, either small or on a grand scale, we are able to inform our inner core, our conscience that we did our best with the information we had. didn’t we?

the nagging questions that attack us afterward can hinder our lives in ways we never thought possible, or don’t you agree? i’m not an expert on the mind, nor am i a licensed psychologist or other “head” doctor. i am, however, an expert on me. rather, i’m becoming more adept at learning this expertise in who and what i am.

funny how in younger years we were one way, but as we get older we’re not that same person anymore. it’s all for the good. an earlier entry stated that change is good, for it encompasses new directions and unlimited potential and possibilities. peeking around doors and corners won’t see you through it.

but walking around the corners and through the doors give us the power to see things a bit more clearly in its perspective. at least it does for me, and that’s the type of confrontation i’m referring to, not pushing it under the rug, or putting it on a high shelf out of reach. for even in doing that it’s always there, reminding me in its subtle persuasion that there’s no time like the present in dealing, handling and moving forward.

behaviors change as do behavior patterns. what we once weren’t afraid of suddenly embrace us and scare us more than most care to admit. what we once didn’t like we like and vice versa.

with sweet sorrow yet at the same time a joy in finally becoming unencumbered, i set myself free,

i feel the wind upon my face and embrace the dawning of the new day and as evening approaches i gaze out the window and listen to the lilting sounds of day’s glory putting itself to rest,

emotionally spent the smile that tugs while the eyes close gently, the peacefulness that settles within that center core warms me in ways i never thought possible..

sweet life in seeing the joys of this re-birth — re-discovery of the self.

 

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September 29, 2004

hmmm… I wonder why the date’s not changing? *shrugs and meanders off to do other things*

LOL Sweet Whimsical, you can change the date by hand. Wonder where you wandered off to? Okay, first note. After some thought and knowing self, I go for intimacy and belonging. Are you surprised? Of course, were I swept off my feet by a lover, I’d have the sexual plus the other ;)Shall pop back later. I’m being hassled here. Poof…

September 29, 2004

Well I’ll be darned! I forgot about that little thing stuck way over there in the corner! LOL.. Thanks Kalestra! woohoo!!!!

Hehhe… myz blinks, thought perhaps you had. Your exclamations are so cute 😉 Well, thinkering more, the true friends I have are within my inner landscape. Warm cherished, much loved. There is an intimacy and a strong sense of belonging with true friends. They help to shape my life, we share our lives in many diverse ways. I need my friends, few they are and special

We have areas hidden from self. Guess it takes a lifetime to know ourselves, as best we can. My friends see those aspects of me that I don’t see. True friends help me to be humble. The warmth of friendship is about belonging, knowing we are always there for each other, welcomed and loved. We can be who we are. No pretence.

Denial of some past events is a way to cope. An examined or explored life is better. We have to be ready to look at certain aspects of our lives. We all experience emotional pain. Don’t like it but it can be a great teacher. Well, you know all of that. These diary entries are helpful to me, always make me think more deeply. Question myself.

Sweet one, I’m running out of steam here. Will return again, always do. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. There is a loving respect as I read your words. Something is creeping up on me tonight….No fangs 😉 Just hunger pangs. Must go and eat. Sweetest dreams. Cosy yourself up in the warmth. LOL it’s cold at this end. Is it cold where you are?

One more thing, as I’m presently obsessed by food. Have a nice warm drink of something too. It’s so Brrr… here and could be at your end. If you see the moon, kiss her for me. She’s magical 😉 Wandering off now to do something…hehehe. A tout a l’heur. The ditzy dame *winks

Yep, I blinked. Thought you’d read my mind ; ) I’ve recently had years of healing & painful death, re-birth, becoming, & discovery of unknowns. Some extremely painful. Some hope filled enough to pull me back from death. Some I don’t yet know much about. You’re right, it’s not what I expected. Thanks for this entry : )

I’m naturally proficient at making mistakes. But learning? Gosh, not sure I do enough, sometimes guess I just don’t get it. All I know to do is keep trying to not quit, & to find the good of change, & to live from my soul more than my self. Me thinks you change & learn well : ) I’m glad you write about it.

I identify with your express and peek technique : ) It’s awesome you can express & have friendly responses that give us all opportunity to consider & reconsider. Therapy, spiritual, nature, & self-help are good, but nothing’s better than friends. With friends good as yours, like KM & yourself, you’ve got it made.

As far as family, I don’t have much choice. Never had close extended family, half my birth family has passed, the other half won’t get along with each other, only with me one on one. All of them wounded me, even when they intended love. Friends, though, are worth whatever it takes. I wish I could be as good a friend as I have been blessed to have. Nature is my real family : )

Glad to have made progress with family, though. Yes, it’s like we become new people when older. Wonderful to read of your joy in re-birth & discovery : ) Hope confrontations with self continue to turn out well for you & expect they will. Intimacy with pain can lead to good change & joy & freedom. May you often feel wings of soul wrap you to nest or carry you into flight. Love,

Good morning, lovely muse. I’m chasing my tail today! Meow! It’s raining here. Gentle rain, the kind I like. Yes, we change as we get older. A little wisdom comes along, doesn’t it. I’m savoring life more, instead of gulping it like an oyster. Wishing you some magic in your day 😉

The way you end this entry is beautiful. So very self-affirming. Popped back to have another read. Intimacy can be painful sometimes. Tend to think it’s the expectations that get crushed. Of course, some expectations can be unrealistic. Some not. Many thanks for this, sweet Whimsical. Warmest hugs

September 30, 2004

I am smiling a slow small smile. And feeling very short winded and in awe of alllllll thoese notes. Hugs.

I just had to come back to say thanks. Your entries and wisdom shared by another in notes helped get me around another corner this week and through the doors. Dang nice to not run into the dumb corners and bounce off the closed doors anymore . . ; ) Your writing is wondrous for those of us who read it. I hope it is for you writing it too.