Nothing Feels Right

I have a husband of 7 years, and 5 year old and a house. I have adult ADD, and undiagnosed anxiety disorder. My daughters therapist says it’s clear that I have it. My daughter is newly diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder. So we are struggling with figuring out how to handle her better and then this quarantine happens. I am still going into work and I tend to act impulsively. For the second time in 2 months I have made the very wrong decision to repeat something I overheard our new manager say. Of course I heard it out of context, repeated it to 2 people and I got in trouble for spreading rumors. She pulled me aside and SCREAMED at me. Everyone outside the conference room could hear. The look in her eyes said your fired but she never said it. Our company just laid someone off and I’m sure I just gave her fuel to make sure I’m the next chosen. Of course I also overheard our CEO say that we didn’t make the small business loan cutoff, so that tells me they need to cut expenses somewhere.

Then I get home from work and hubby tells me how amazing my daughter was all day, (I got home at 12). Then within an hour she starts arguing with me over nothing and becomes very defiant. Eventually my husband yells at her and after she’s in bed he blamed me for her behavior, “she was fine until you came home!”. The funny part about that, I walk on eggshells around her lately because I don’t want to get yelled at by him for causing her behavior. No matter what I do, or how I speak to her, she argues. I am her security blanket and she takes her anger and confusion about this quarantine out on me. I am her safe place, where she can let go and get her feelings out. He doesn’t see that.

I’m afraid to sleep because tomorrow will come and I have to go to work. I don’t think they will let me go tomorrow, and Monday I have off. But if they let me go Tuesday or Wednesday that will be like a kick in the gut… you see my birthday is Wednesday, that would be an amazing birthday present don’t you think?

I am yelled at everywhere I go lately, we are in quarantine and I’m bound to have another disappointing birthday. Whether it’s getting fired or no one remembers. If it weren’t for Facebook no one would remember and I think that makes it worse.  I removed my birthday from view on there because I don’t want people to give me an obligatory happy birthday. That just feels worse to me.

I feel like such a Debbie Downer but right now nothing feels right.