An (Im)Modest Proposal

Of late, I have become wrought with great trepidation in those futile moments before which my shaky hand hovers above my Microsoft Wireless Laser Mouse 6000 v2.0, poised at the ready whilst I force myself to take one deep breath – in… out – as I prepare to log onto Open Diary and behold the newest propaganda regarding abortion articulated via Reader’s Choice. My fellow empathetic ODers know all too well the melancholic sentiment that pulls at our heart strings as we bare witness to the (un)righteous war between pro-lifers and pro-choicers. While lifers spread the word of an almighty God captured within the thin, gold edged pages bound, usually, by leather, and stress the importance of the life of the unborn, choicers retort with the importance of their own life, that of the un-unborn, and their unwillingness to succumb to a governmental rule rooted in some biased, religion based perversion of right verses wrong.
I think that both parties would agree that the number of abortions performed in the United States on an annual basis, as many as 1,242,000 in 2006, according to the US Census Bureau, which bases findings on the number of abortions from surveys conducted by source, characteristics from the US CDC’s annual abortion surveillance summaries, with adjustments for changes in states reporting data to the CDC each year, is devastating (however, one could argue that such numbers are obviously not deplorable enough to find alternative methods of delivering sexual education to the youths of our great nation since abstinence only is… clearly… effective). Advocates from both sides of this religious/ethical/moral/widget debate have been known to have shed many a tear as a story unfolds of a girl, not but fifteen years of age, who is faced with the realization that her body will soon be taken over by the unwanted product of copulation. Those who would see her keep the resulting child grieve at the thought that she may ultimately end the pregnancy, thereby dousing the sacred flame of God’s precious child. Those who would see her have the option of terminating the pregnancy shudder at the thought of the young girl sacrificing her hopes and dreams as she is forced to mother her bastard, or at the possibility that – should she be unable to fulfill her responsibilities as a parent – her unwanted child may soon enough be suckling from the worn-out teat whose milk is but a metaphor derived from the almighty tax dollar. That both sides hold a great many grievances implores objective members of society to remedy this ongoing debate.
Therefore, as is were in Ireland in 1729, whoever shall find a reasonable, effective and unbiased reason for all pregnancies to be carried to term, because – contrary to what many pro-lifers would have us believe – even pro-choicers would love a world in which abortion need not exist, and a way for all resulting children to be sound, useful, unburdensome members of society, would deserve so well of that society as to have his, or her, statue set up, perched on the very knee of Abe Lincoln himself, as a preserver of our nation.
In being so rational, my intent is not only to soundly end this ongoing debate that has taken up entirely too much space on RC; it endeavors to serve a much greater purpose, and shall offer solid rectification of accusations that immorality exists at the gate of such Fortune 500 companies as Wal-Mart and Nike, Inc. in their utilization of outsourced child labor in the production of goods made available throughout their conglomerate.
As to my own part, having pondered the potential usefulness of the sheer number of children resulting from unplanned pregnancies, and maturely weighted my options using a cost/benefit analysis, I make my argument based on the fact that my findings, as articulated via the following, indicate a heftier disservice to the greater good of Corporate America, and, thereby, those American individuals who rely on such corporations, would result in the event that unwanted pregnancies led to abortion. Instead, a rather profitable prospect exists in the alternative.
As stated, 1.2 million abortions were reported in America in 2006, while more current estimates cite as many as 2 million in 2010. According to Child Welfare (www.childwelfare.gov), there were an estimated 463,000 children in foster care in 2008. Of these, 47% were in nonrelative foster family homes, 10% resided in institutions, 6% in group homes, 2% had run away, and 35% were in relative foster, independent, or preadoptive homes. In the event that abortion was made unavailable, it could be argued that as many as 2.4 million children would be in foster care in 2011. Of these, and using the same percentages, 1,560,000 children would be placed in either nonrelative or group homes, or institutions. With such an astounding high number, I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which, with the following extensive research, I cannot imagine will be soundly refuted.
According to Wikipedia, which, as we all know, is the end-all and be-all of reliable information reporting, Wal-Mart Corporation has been criticized for not providing adequate supervision of its foreign suppliers. However, with annual revenues upwards of US$408.21 billion (2009 statistic), who could blame them? Such trivial matters as a laborer’s basic human rights are certainly not cause for the cessation of progress! Nevertheless, in 1995, Chinese dissident Harry Wu accused Wal-Mart of employing a prison labor system in Guangdong Providence. Other such ghastly accusations involve teenagers in Bangladesh made to work inside sweatshops upwards of 80 hours per week at a mere rate of $0.14 per hour, for Wal-Mart supplier Beximco. Similarly, in January 2004, The New York Times conducted an audit that reported extensive violations of child-labor laws and state regulations within the US, including those requiring time for breaks and meals, and exposed 1,371 instances of minors working too late, during school hours, or for too many hours in one day. Infractions totaled 60,767 missed breakes and 15,705 lost meal times. Wal-Mart has also been cited for its use of illegal workers, providing poor working and/or slave labor conditions, inadequate health insurance, and gender and ethnicity bias.
Not unlike Wal-Mart, Nike, Inc. has been criticized for contracting with factories in China, Vietnam, Indonesia, and Mexico that have violated minimum wage laws, provide inadequate working conditions, and exploit cheap overseas labor within the free trade zones where their goods are typically manufactured that is comprised mostly of children.
Imagine, now, that such companies as Wal-Mart and Nike, Inc. got a hold of the nearly1.6 million foster children made available via unplanned pregnancies and/or the parent’s inability or unwillingless to care for his or her offspring? Nevermore would Fortune 500 companies need to look to foreign soil in efforts to find cheap labor! A solid workforce awaits here, on our homeland, amongst the unwanted children!
I have been assured by a very respected businessman that a healthy young American child would be a more desirable employee than a feeble old China-man an ocean away. Luckily, but for an extra helping of oatmeal porridge, respected English author Charles Dickens has noted that a child will endure almost unlivable conditions. Thus, keeping an entirely American workforce on this country’s soil can be easily made to compete with the cost of previously outsourced laborers. Imagine, a Wal-Mart super center converted into a foster-esque barracks, complete with cots and bed pans and an endless round-the-clock shuffling of children, having just completed their shifts, turning in for the night, just as others, bright eyed and bushy tailed, head out to begin the day anew. It’d be like summer camp!
 I do therefore humbly offer it to OD public consideration that, once a pregnancy has been determined unwanted, those such as Wal-Mart might then step in and implore the incubator of their future laborer to sign over all rights, responsibilities, and obligations unto the Corporation, for a small fee, of course. This way, the incubator is compensated for her nine months of discomfort. Furthermore, because the alternative is abortion or excessive use of tax-payer dollars, I would dare argue that protests and/or supervision regarding treatment of Wal-Mart’s humanoid property will be kept to a minimum. It’s not like we’re killing babies, here. Rather, we’re keeping them alive, giving them a purpose, and, for once, making them feel wanted! In turn, Wal-Mart no longer faces the aforementioned ghastly accusations. Gun toting right wingers can rest assured that they will forever be able to make one single stop for such necessities as milk, diapers, embossed Bibles and ammunition for this weekend’s hunting trip, and that it will all, indeed, be American Made(!!!), while knowing that abortion is no more. Hippi God-hating left wingers won’t feel pushed around by the religious right… or… shit. Nevermind that. Moving on… left wingers may eventually realize that, while those righties like to preach about adoption as an option but fail to realize the overpowering and unrealistic number of children awaiting successful adoptions, this proposal actually satisfies their nemesis’ and puts the children to good use. It’s a win-win, all around.
I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance, if any of us would ever like to see an entry appear on Reader’s Choice that involves… I don’t know… exceptional writing, not just propaganda.
To summarize – as I have already observed –
Firstly – Neither lefty nor righty ever wants to have an abortion. In fact, many would like to avoid the whole thing, altogether.
Secondly – American companies would benefit from cheap labor forces that reside on our home turf.
Thirdly – Since the children are unwanted, no one would really care if otherwise aborted fetuses were used to fulfill the quandary stated above, especially since the implementation of this proposal would greatly cut down on those citizens who rely on government assistance to care for their abundance of children currently, and even cheaper labor forces provided to companies such as Wal-Mart would result in even lower prices, so everyone everywhere can busy themselves buying up even more junk that they don’t need, thereby putting more money into our shit-for-nothing economy and bringing us out of this recession even quicker.
Fourthly – The constant breeders could live off the compensation provided to them upon relinquishing their offspring to the corporation, possibly ending welfare altogether.
However, it is now that I must state that I am not so violently bent upon my own findings as to reject any offer proposed by similarly wise men or women, which shall be found an equally reasonable, effective and unbiased reason for all pregnancies to be carried to term, that proposes a way for all resulting children to be sound, useful, unburdensome members of society. But, before something of this kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors to maturely address two points. First, ensure that, given abortion be made unavailable, all children placed into the foster system find love and purpose in life. As it is – this is not happening. Don’t kid yourself. Second, please explain to me how it is that you can tell an individual that she is un-Godly or un-American because she is having an abortion, and then turn around and walk into your local Wal-Mart knowing full-well the atrocities explained herein, whilst singing the praises of those who “buy American made products” and are proud to live in this great country of ours that “is so evolved… not like those underdeveloped ones… where kids don’t even have, like, shoes and are covered in flies and stuff.”
And now, to paraphrase Jonathan Swift directly, I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary change, having no other motive than the public good of this community on Open Diary and America in general, by advancing American business, providing for those children who are unwanted, satisfying the right-wing pro-lifers, and giving some semblance of peace to the leftists. I have no fetuses by which I can sign over to any such corporation to get a single penny, as my parents were not stupid enough to think that their daughter would remain abstinent and therefore taught me where babies come from at a young age, and I thankfully have been able to get reliable contraception through such admirable organizations as Planned Parenthood since the time I became sexually active at nineteen.
The end.