Decisive action

So I’m tired of sitting around and waiting for things to happen.
The following is a list of things I am in the process of doing to get my life back-the-fuck on-track and to stop being a whiny, moping, miserable git, which is what I am being unfailingly at the moment these days.

* I’m going to lose weight. I’ve signed up to a Gi diet which I’m following religiously, I’m getting my 5 fruit and veg and 6 glasses of water. I’m swimming for an hour every day; it’s not hard to find the time as an independent student when the pool is a 10 minute walk away. I don’t know why more people don’t do it in every honesty, it gets me out of bed in the morning far faster than the prospect of a lecture.
If I look better, I won’t be any more confident in myself as a person, I know that. I’m changing the outside, not the in. But at least I won’t be embarrassed to draw attention to myself. I just want to be able to be naked around my effortlessly skinny, toned boyfriend without inwardly cringing about the stark contrast in our bodyshapes. Hopefully I’ll have shed off a healthy-yet-sizeable amount of junk by the time I come back to Uni after the holidays.

Actually, I’m less in control over what I get to eat at home so this is debatable. I’ll try and persuade Mum to help me out. If I print her a shopping list every week it ought not be too bad. It only amounts to between 20-30 quid a week… *gulp*

If anything else, it ought to help me sleep better, which moves me seamlessly onto the next point:

* Better routine. Work more during the day. Less at night. Sleep more. Wake up earlier. Get out more. I’m the most antisocial student I’ve ever known. I’ve worked out that this is a side-effect (as opposed to a cause) of how I’m feeling these days. I haven’t been quite right for a good long while and at the moment, to me, unless you’re already in, you’re way out. I don’t enjoy the company of people I don’t know well when I’m not feeling good, and I haven’t felt good the entire time I’ve been at uni, so it’s not surprising I don’t know many people well; I’ve realised I’m actively pushing them away and fobbing them off. I don’t want to go out, I’d rather hide in my room and wish away the time. This is bad, as Uni is supposedly the greatest time you’re meant to have. People struggle at points, but they shouldn’t go through the entirety thinking what a bloody waste of time it is, which is where I’m fast headed. There are people here who – inexplicably, given my behaviour – seem to want to hang out and be my friends. Only a few, but it’s a few more than I’d have expected given the circumstances. They call me, knock on my door, and generally repeat inviting me out to things no matter how many times I fob them off. Whether they feel sorry for me or if they genuinely want to be around me I have no idea, but the tenacity is admirable and starting to make them look like appealing people. It’s my own fault, I’m a misanthropic bastard who likes her own company over that of new people simply because something is bringing me down low. But that’s something else I’m working to change:

* Stop whining and do something about it. I’m going to ring the doctor tomorrow, something I think I probably ought to have done the minute Dad told me to. He’s suffered from depression since he was 14 but left it till forever to get it checked out and wishes he hadn’t. I’m beginning to think it’s something I really need to do. There’s nothing wrong – at least, nothing that should be making me feel like this, and certainly nothing that should have lasted since the age of 15. I kind of thought it was normal ’till it got to the point where I was wondering how more people don’t just end it, considering how hopeless the whole thing is.

I bloody hate talking about this, it sounds self-absorbed, hypochondriac-esque and attention-clamouring when someone hasn’t sought diagnosis yet. So I’m going to go talk to someone and find out exactly why I’m being so anti-social and finding it so hard to cope. I haven’t had a GOOD day since I was at college. It varies from miserable to bearable and it’s been controlling my life for longer than I’d like to think about.
Hopefully next time I write an entry I’ll be able to say exactly what’s turning me into such a shit person to be around.

* Sort out matters with Andy.
It pains me to say it but we are about a knife’s edge from breaking up. I don’t know how I feel about it anymore.
Actually that’s a lie, I’m heartbroken, but regardless of how much I don’t think I’ll be able to bear it, I reckon it has to happen. It’s never been a conventional relationship, to say the least, and to cut a very long story short, he can’t deal with the stress of it anymore and neither can I. I’ll write a big entry one day and explain. It’s terrible because at the moment he’s the only one I really feel like I have left. We’ve just asked too much from each other, I think.
Actually I think a better synopsis is that I tried to give more than I had, and then expected the equivalent in return, and he’s no more capable of the impossible than I am.
It hurts, but he desperately needs space. He’ll never be the one to break up with me though. I almost want to punish him for this cowardliness by waiting for him to hate it so much that he has to, but if I ever want him back it’s not the way to go, and I most certainly do. I can acknowledge his faults and I love him regardless, I’m mature enough to handle it.
I don’t expect it to happen and I won’t wait for him, as both these things are recipes for disaster. But if after I break up with him he turns round and realises what he’s given up… I won’t say no, put it that way.

I want everything to be okay, I can’t take any more hurt over this than I’ve already had, and I don’t think he can take the guilt much longer. Combine it with the distance and it’s a bad ball game. I ought to stop it before it’s too late. I love him very much and don’t want to lose him completely. I want to at the very least be friends forever. Is that naive? We’re very close on a friendship level, extraordinarily so, and I think he NEEDS me on that level. He likes changes within friendships and relationships almost as much as I do(!) so I imagine he’ll really want to hold on to me. And he won’t be allowed to have everything he’ll want, not unless he’s willing to be with me, but I’m not going to remove myself completely because neither of us could really handle it. I sound like we’re both really dependant on each other; we’re really not. It’s just that too much has happened for us not to be there for one another.

So much is happening. I wish I was at home, sometimes I feel like I just want to pack Uni in. But this is what I mean about whining and griping about things I can do something about. I don’t have anything unsolvable and I should sort my ass out over it all. My problems are by no means gargantuam and I don’t see why they should be affecting me so much or making me react in such a bad way, which is why I need to go see if there’s a deeper underlying problem. Nothing ever got done by not being pro-active and it’s time I grew up and stopped waiting for someone to rescue me when I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself. I’m a big girl now and I shouldn’t bloody cry over a grazed knee. Got to get my game head on.

*Edit: No. No, I’m selling myself short. He asked too much. He started the whole thing. But it’s a story for another time and I’m not angry anymore. He knows he did wrong. And he said something wonderful a couple of nights ago that at least made the effort feel appreciated.

Anyway, yes. He asked too much.