A catastrophic end to a week of stress

My essay got done on time. Reading it back later once I’d printed and submitted I found a very obviously forgotten about and undeveloped point but I don’t care too much, it was otherwise a good essay. Or so I think. I don’t think I failed anyway.

Thursday morning (evening was spent rehearsing for the choir concert at St. David’s Hall, then the concert itself, and a night out with the music kids – tiredness ensues) and Friday were spent running around trying to sort out the first lunchtime concert. I’ve been elected as the Lunchtime Concert Co-Ordinator, which is a position on the committee on the university Music Society, and already it’s caused me more stress than I’d care to mention. It’s my (and my partner Bethan’s) role to assist with the set up of university concerts, handle incoming requests from professionals to hold concerts here, and set up weekly open recitals for the students so they have something to write about in their performance diaries. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say it’s the most time-consuming job on the committee. Next year will be fun. But we held our first concert yesterday (Friday) and it was a success, despite running over by half an hour (two hours long! It was meant to be an hour and a half; normally they’re meant to be 45 minutes but we doubled it in order to make up for the fact our predecessors didn’t have one the week before. Talk about baptism by fire). It did go on for a while and everyone seemed to enjoy it despite its length. The highlight in my personal opinion was Dan WJ’s organising of 4’33 by John Cage. He collected a bunch of instrumentalists from around the department and even cajoled a postgraduate conductor to take part. It was amazing! It was done very professionally, the conductor taking the stage to a separate round of applause. The three movements all had different moods to them, believe it or not. It was flabbergasting. (For those who are confused, look up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/4’33”).Not that we could lounge around; me and Bethan had to keep the whole thing operational, preparing the performers, making sure everyone was ready to go on stage, had their music, piano set-up, chairs, stands… I’ve never been so physically exhausted after a day at Uni. I lost the keys to my accommodation and spent the evening trawling between music and the security office, trying to work out where they’d gone. Fruitless, I had to pay £10 for a warden to come let me in. I can’t get new keys until Monday so I’m stuck here for the majority of the weekend because there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to get back into my flat.

Got upstairs, Andy was online. We hadn’t spoken for 4 days – no particular reason, just we hadn’t.
I told him all about my day, and the concert and my keys. Not one word of congratulations or sympathy. I asked him if he was alright.

He said he felt guilt-ridden and down about us. I asked what about, in particular. I sort of knew from that point how the rest of the evening was going to play out. He said he felt terrible because the past few days where we hadn’t spoken, he’d actually enjoyed the freedom. Now let the reader understand, this is not freedom of not having to see me, as obviously at the moment there is at least 4 hours worth of distance between us. Neither is this freedom of having space to see other people, as he wouldn’t ever cheat, he thinks it’s disgusting. This is merely freedom from having to talk to me every so often. He wanted space from talking to me! He said to me that he didn’t want to have this conversation over IM. Around about that point the cold in my chest kicked in. I went outside to get signal but got delayed, resulting in him having to go for food shortly. We agreed that it was a conversation we’d rather have had by phone, but considering my phone situation and not being able to get in and out of my flat independently of other people, we were going to have to do this over IM.
I think I’ll copy paste it as it’s too hard to type it out at the moment.

Me: how you doing?
Andy: meeh
Andy: parents noticed i’m down and have been chatting about relationships and all that
Me: 🙁 what’ve they said?
Andy: well, just that I should do what feels right, and that it was always going to be difficult when we were so far apart
Me: what feels right?

I already knew.

Andy: I think it’s just got to the point where i’d be happier outside a relationship, that I can’t handle being so unsure about us all the time
Andy: but i think you knew I was going to say that
Me: yeah, I did
Me: i knew you were going to say that immediately after our conversation at yours 🙂 i didn’t see it happening any other way
Andy: 🙁 How come you’ve put up with it since then?
Me: i’ve never been the kind to rush someone into a decision. and i’ve been wrong before. and didn’t want to do anything on the offchance that it might actually be okay. but i think i was being a bit naive
Me: haha, this is actually happening isn’t it
Andy: I think it’s for the best in the long run

Hang on a moment. The way I planned it, if it happened that was going to be my line.
I’ve never been more hurt by anything that wasn’t the rest of the conversation.

Me: yeah, you’re right
Me: okay then
Andy: you know how sorry i am about it all, and how much it upsets me, but I can’t be playing with all the doubt anymore
Me: well it’s not like i was having a good time with it either. but yeah i know. it’s okay
Me: okay so, um, i don’t quite know what to say
Andy: I’m sorry we had to do it this way
Andy: I know you’re back in a week, but I couldn’t pretend that I was okay when I knew I had to tell you

(Despite the fact I’d have rather this conversation be face to face, I’m glad he didn’t wait. I’ve always made him promise that the moment he knew it was over, he would tell me so, because if there is one thing in this world I cannot stand, it is being accommodated for when I am not wanted.)

Me: understandable
Me: can’t believe i let it drag out this long more than anything if i knew this would happen
Andy: It’s okay
Me: well no it’s not, really, but never mind, it’s not something that can be changed i guess
Andy: when you want to talk, message me or anything
Andy: but I won’t expect anything soon, I know how it is
Me: no, don’t do that right now. don’t say that. however nicely you mean it, it only feels patronising. i think i’m a bit too angry.
Me: i’m just angry. i think i’m going to go now. i’ll talk to you at some point.

He seemed so disassociated. Like I was the only one upset. Whatever he’s been before, he’s never done that. “I know how it is.” So you’re not feeling like this? You don’t feel like your world flipped upside down in the space of 10 minutes? In 8 days today, it would have been a year and 4 months. The way he spoke to me at the end felt so unbelieveable. I don’t feel like it’s actually happened. In a few weeks or so I bet I’ll feel a lot worse than I do now. A little bit of me keeps thinking he’ll want to be back with me in a couple weeks maybe. Days? I can’t imagine this. If it had to happen I wanted to do it. If it wasn’t working over Easter i was going to end it. I feel like I’ve sat here letting him hurt me again and again and again only to have him get bored of me. Part of me feels like he shouldn’t have felt stressed about this relationship at all. If I could put up with all the crap he gave me, surely he could man up and take it? If he liked me enough?

I’m so lost. I have holidays in a week but I have two deadlines between now and then. I just want to get in my bed and sleep for a long time. I want to go home.