Am i nuts or am i going crazy.

I voiced my desires aloud to the previous mentioned person who i shall have to for no other reason but to keep from using pronouns give have a fake name. so it shall be……….S.

S. and i talked for quite awhile today. and with out realzing it he brings up friends with benefits again this is not the first time hes mentioned that. and voice my deepest desire.Which stems from alot of things. but how can i do taht without breaking every moral rule that i’ve been taught? Or what i believe? Yet i my desire is so great to this. and i want to.. its 1:30 am and we’ve been talking since 11 about this and other things, like how S. makes me nervous and Ive never been neverous or shy around a guy before. And yet knowing he’s in a open relationship doesn’t detur me as i once thought it would.

Am i losing a battle, thats being waged inside? I have no idea,but i know i really want to do this. Break out of my shell, to give up the only good thing about me, is something i was considering even before i met S. What is it about him, that does this to me? Somehow my heart doesn’t seem to mind giving up the only good thing i have left to a man thats already taken. Is that why i get butterflies when i talk to him or even think of just chilling as friends without the benefits. WHY ME WHY NOW?

Since the first time i met S. its like i freak out about him uncontrolably. or as he put it “so why are you so quick to flip out over me?” Heaven Only knows why. i sure dont. which was my answer to me i dont know if i knew id tell u. This whole thing i guess is throwing off my radar, for emotional problems later. or my heart is involved and im just going to end up scaring myself later.

I’ve also been hiding this from my mom. she knew i was online i was talking to S. at the time and wanted to know who i was talking to she called him my lover boy. and i thought i was going to go into shock. but i told her that he has a gf and their in a open relationship, and she said that leads to trouble. and left the room. Is that supposed to be my guidance from above? I sure as heck hope not. because it sure as hell didn’t change anythign.

“well idont have the time or will to hack through your baggage. as i said before i offer you friends with benefits if you want it. i think your a alright girl you have issues but we all do. if you want to change your values you will. if you dont you wont its not a major effort it is a choice you choose to make or not to make.” S. says that but he hasn’t known me my entire life either. none of u have. But no guy i have ever known has simply offered to fuck me. and still find time even when i lose control on my emotions/feelings to actually be a friend.

Advice is wanted. but if u have sarcastic comments or anything negative to say please dont. Ive heard enough of them from my mind. i have agrued my self about this over and over now. I have stoped arguing with my self. so please dont share negativity. i have enough of it already.

Appologies for the long rant.

lataz