2/15/03

I know im lost. hell i dont even know where im going with this. but each time i can’t talk to u. all i feel is pain. or when ur not on, i wonder what ur doing. Hell i knew this was gonna happen. shit i do it to myself all the time. and now it hurts more than ever. i play stupid little mind games with myself and end up putting the results into reality. i do this every freaking time i meet someone. why do i torture myself so? is it thinking with the heart or just because im desperately lonely? I really dont give a shit now about weatehr i live or die. i dont know if its depression taking hold again.

all i know is that S. i can barely hold a converstation. everything else is sucky in my life. and i would so love to understand why i do this to my self but i have no clue. does it tie into my past or my future that im such a mess. I so want to die, so i woulndn’t have to care so much anymore. i wouldn’t have to continueally try to understand how relationships work and never knowing what it feels like to be in one. I hate it. i can’t sleep anymore without these thoughts crossing my dreams. All i want is to be loved by someone who is free to love me back. i want to know happiness for a change. and not the pain and sadness that i know now. it seems to be all i know is pain, sadness and rejection. well im tired of knowing that. i hate that its waht i grew up with. im just so sick of my life.