10/16/03

how do u slow things down when their moving at pace u didn’t want to set?

how do u get past the fear something terrible will go wrong n u will be worse off than u already are?

how do i say the words i feel in my heart n not cross the more than friends boundry we set for our selves?

These are questions i need answeres to. because we both agree we’re moving way to fast… but to stop n Start over would that really change anythign? i dont know i really dont… n today he’s having surgury… on his wrist cus he has/had four bone spurs in his wrist.. n when we talked today it was like i felt calm in all my days i have never felt like this… N i just wonder why God would but this on me if its not to be?  Im sittin here @ school not eating, not caring about my classes because my minds wanting to be with him n where hes at…..

i know god had us meet for a reason, i just dont know what that reason is… hes like a gift that i cherish everyday simply because i know hes in it, my life seems a little easier n now theres a dim light finally at the end of my tunnel.. but i can’t talk about my past as openly as he can his, i gave him permission to read here just because my ghosts from my past haunt me at nite sometimes…  N i just dont want to or still am unable to deal with some of the things from my past. I have  many scars that are still bleeding emotionaly.. n i really just can’t talk about those…

I missed my babe in chat last nite due to a girls nite out n well i talked to someone we both know n they had talked about me n him, n her n i  talked about me n him… Crazy aint it… but we both know how we feel n we can’t stop showing it no matter what the restrictions.  With him in my life i feel less lost, more confused, less lonliness, n sometimes i just want to know why? Why me what makes me so special? n i feel that i dont deserve a man like him…i just dont not with all my problems n complexes.  Or am i just making a mountain out of a mole hill because thats all im used too ?