& then there I was

Still awake. It’s 1am and all three of my littles are sleeping soundly. Here’s a photo of Z and C that I took before he crawled out of bed and passed out in the kitchen where he’s still snoring. I even went out to check on him and grab a snack. He slept right through the noise of the fridge opening and closing and the humming, beeping of the microwave. I love him so much. I hate that I only have him 50% of the time when he used to be mine 24/7. It’s not right. He deserves his dad but he doesn’t deserve to be away from me. My daughter, she deserves him too… but I’m dreading the day she gets old enough to leave with her brother.

I so desperately wish things had worked out different. I’m so deeply ashamed on top of it.

All I wanted was a family…