Sunday Rest. Your Sundays Best.

All three kiddos slept and woke with me this morning. The older two went off and played together while baby and I simmered in the sunlight touching the bed, stretching our legs, staring off into our thoughts. My eyes were so heavy. The same type of heaviness, the same soreness in my muscles I’d wake up with, and simmer in bed just the same after working until 4am at a job that kept me in shape better than I realized. I was a single mom of 1 back then. Oddly enough, it felt harder than now.

Baby fell back asleep and I was able to watch a movie and slipped into sleep. Until the doorbell ran and it was my elderly neighbor, with my toddler. He had escaped from the house and ran into her garden to play with the ornaments. I gasped and apologized and pleaded how thankful I was. My dog was right alongside them. He followed my outside and stayed with him the whole time.

” I was with the baby, I can’t believe I let that happen!”

Spent the rest of the day making sure Z was in my sight. I let S, my oldest know he has to lock the door behind him when he leaves to play outside with his friends.

I later took Z and C outside to fill up the pool. He shivered and shivered in the cold hose water but refused to stop playing in it for over an hour.

Our neighbor two houses down, not the elderly woman but a family who sends their kids to a private school I wish I could afford, must have taken their giant bounce house down in their yard today. It stood there for weeks. Mine, on the other hand, the one I pulled out of my storage unit and inflated last night that’s a mere fraction of the size was half deflated by the morning.
Mama tried.

Im losing hope in ever feeling comfortable in my body again. Not just because of the weight, but because of the muscle I’ve lost. My shoulders that have rounded beyond recognition and the pain, the tightness that rages in my back.
Since I have the summer off, what I should do is making an appoint with a physical therapist and continue going. To do so every week or two would be less mentally taxing while I’m not working 5 days a week, keeping up with S’s afterschool sports. Loading. Unloading. Picking up and dropping off. Keeping track of the days I pick Z up vs the days he goes with Dad.

I have a list of things to get done tomorrow. Sometimes lists are a little more ambitious rather than realistic. I often go to sleep excited to complete them then wake up dreading to start.

My cousin died today.

Technically my second cousin, I think. He was my mom’s first cousin. He died in his sleep unexpectedly. He was the only member of that side of the family that I liked or felt connected to. He was so genuine and hilarious, and a lot of fun to talk to. He was chronically on Facebook because he was disabled. Suffered from fibromyalgia among other ailments and couldn’t do much. He loved my mom. They would stay up and talk for hours on the phone and send funny things to each other on fb. Not too long ago he told me how much he missed her… it’s comforting to think, that if the afterlife is what we imagine it to be, how exciting it must be for them to see each other without the burden of pain. It’s reassuring to think that this is the first person in her life that she’ll be able to greet into heaven. Would that make her feel settled? At ease? That she can now be there for someone else told hold their hand through the entrance of eternity? I hope so. I hope all of that is real.

He was also the person who owns the plot we were going to place her ashes in this summer. I’m. It sure what to do now. I don’t want to hassle his wife during this time. This also means i have to plan for a min vacation to the next state over for the funeral. I’m not interested in seeing anyone besides my grandma, if she’ll even be there. But it feels like the right thing to do.

i have a cold dinner to eat. C is asleep and S is on his tablet at the end of my bed. Z is wondering around the dark house, like he does. Autism makes sleep a challenge. I’m going to finish my meal and ring him up to get to bed.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.