I need a break I think

My problem is when I have a break, my breaks are to shut down. The thing I dislike about myself the most is that normal things, like doing a load of laundry or taking a bath, waking up to my child needing me during my “rest periods” makes me feel like I have to start the whole thing over.
I don’t feel that way as often anymore. I certainly did while I was pregnant with C. But it is still a struggle every so often. S’s friend, one of the neighbor kids, I heard him make a comment once “why is your mom always laying in bed” and it broke my heart.

Tomorrow I have to bring Z to daycare. His dad will pick him up and have him until Sunday when he’ll have to drop him off at my house since he needs to leave for a week for work training.
I want to come home and lay in bed with baby all day tomorrow. But also, I wonder if I need to keep working to make the house look as perfect as possible if his dad, their dad, decides he wants to come inside finally… to have finally worked up the courage to meet C. It’s stupid that I do this. He doesn’t want to give up his rights but he doesnt want to be involved. I worked so hard on trying not to hate him for so long, a whole year, before she was even conceived. I want to hate him to protect myself. But I hate that feeling. I don’t want to rot in hatered anymore.
I have every right to dislike him, to say what I feel to make him feel awful. But I won’t. I can’t this time anyways. I knew what I was getting myself into when I slept with him.
hes finally started to break. He keeps trying to talk to me like we’re friends or he wants to try and date me or something. I don’t want any of that. Every day I have to practice shaking it off and moving on with my life, which is what I want to do.

ive accepted that my “happy ever after 2 parent household” will never happen. I’ve been working through the shame and trying to focus on myself and my children.

On top of deep cleaning the house I have a few major things I need to focus on that I’m just avoiding.

im scared to check my bank account. I don’t know what’s there. I don’t know what to budget for.

i found out that I can apply for unemployment. I desperately need to.

i bought my plane ticket for Ls wedding but not my dress. I’m so fat. I need to get my hair done and maybe get a tan or something so I don’t look super gross in her photos.

I need to make up my mind about going to burning man. It’s been weighing on me all summer. I feel so stupid yet so thankful I got a ticket this year. But how the fuck am I going to pull this off? Do I really want to do this?

I need to apply for C for daycare. That is serious.

Also, I need to reapply for assistance. I hate admitting that but I do.