Baby woke up

I hit publish on that last entry, not because I was I was ready for I finally fall asleep but because baby woke up. She’s feeding now, only to be embraced by slumber shortly.

im not sure if i will sleep tonight. Im trying, with the melatonin, the silence. Closing my eyes for hours without nothing.

The hardest part is I have my alarm set for 7am because I need to bring my car into the mechanic. I’m lucky that I can pay for it…hopefully it won’t be too much. I did something stupid and spent over $100 on car seat covers because the reason I’ve hesitated for so long in bringing it in is because I’m humiliated at how gross it is.
Allowing things to fall apart to the depth that I do is my biggest insecurity.

Luckily the mechanic is right down the road. S and my nephew will certainly be sleeping and I’ll be able to easily walk home with baby in the stroller. It might be a day or so that we’ll be stuck at home but we’ll see. I was hoping to have plans with our friends for a card game night.

The other thing, is if it’s not done by Wednesday afternoon I’ll have to ask my ex to pick up Z from daycare and drop him off. That would be fine, except for the fact that I’m anxious that may make it the day where he finally says something- where he asks to meet his daughter after these four months. Will my house be clean enough? Will I be with it or too exhausted to find the right things to say?

ugh. It’s 4:35 and my alarm is set for 7am.
I wonder if I’ll even follow through.