:(

I’ve been frustrated all day today.

This happens often. I’ll have days where I didn’t achieve any of the things I wanted to and it leaves me up at night spiraling in my thoughts about how I haven’t gotten anywhere in life and never will. I’m a fraud. Incapable of creating the life I want. Never will I become the person I want to be, not only for myself, but someone who would be worthy of the right partner.

my friend stopped over and we chatted for a couple hours which was nice. Once she left I had to pick my nephew up from the next town over and all of a sudden my day was just playing taxi for the kids. I had my nephew take S to a festival in the park because I was t up for seeing people and managing the little ones there. He had a blast which made me happy. All I desperately want is for him to be happy. To have a good childhood.

When we got home tonight all I wanted was to have alone time. I feel so buried and just want space to simply be me without tending to these people’s needs. Both C and Z have been fussy all day. S wouldn’t stop talking. Then Z had a huge meltdown and threw a jug of chocolate milk all over my bed and I just had to say it, “I fucking hate my life. Why am I not worthy. Why does my wellbeing not fucking matter,”

And I cried. I’m still crying.

i so desperately want to fucking escape sometimes.

i so desperately want to be something more.