keeping.this

    It must be the weather that’s got me feeling this way…
Or any other number of things.  Like the fact that I’m attracted to someone who’s in love with his best friend.  At least, I believe that’s the case – he’s not told me as such.  Ask me why I’m even attracted to someone already to begin with?  
    (It’s okay, everyone else has.)
    I guess I’m just lonely, you know?  And bored.  And frustrated.  And ultimately, I’ve been feeling neglected for a very long time now.  My husband crosses my mind from time to time, as someone who I sadly no longer love.  And it’s not for lack of trying because when this began I had every intention of sorting "us" out.  Unfortunatly he did not feel the same way.  Well, because of that I don’t feel the same way either.  I feel like I don’t even know him anymore, he’s become cold and I’ve lost a lot of respect for the human being I once thought he was.  He signs his e-mails with things like "I’m sorry for any inconvenience" and "Regards."  Regards, what?  Regards to the fact that we’ve been together for 4 years and suddenly I’m not even worth a fuc*ing phone call?  Hmm. 
    He’s supposed to arrive in Canada in 2 days.  At least, according to the flights we bought way back when, that’s when his ticket is for.  He told me he was thinking of travelling to Vancouver, doing some hiking in the mountains, etc.  Let him have his break.  I asked if I could see him and he said he didn’t know.  Since then I’ve asked again and he’s just avoided answering anything at all. 
    (Thanks for the closure – I’ve made my own.  I don’t even want it from you anymore. )
    My friends think I could not possibly be "over him."  That I will never really let go, that I’m not ready to move on and that I am ultimately still in love.  I don’t know how to tell them that this isn’t love.  It isn’t even "appreciation" or "like."  What I want right now is to dust myself off after a long year, and it has been nearly a year, of pain, frustration, sadness, anger… And just to keep going.  Because life is too short to dwell on what could have been, or what was.  I am not grieving "us" anymore, the pain I feel is not for his loss but for my deep and intense desire to just keep on.  I’m frustrated by the fact that friends are telling me how it is, that what I’m feeling right now is not genuine, that I MUST still love him.  Why?  Why must I?  Why love someone who hurt me so badly, who neglected me emotionally who was away from me physically and who honestly does not love me back?  I don’t feel it.  I can’t even bring myself to.
    And so the story goes.  I’m not bitter, I’m thankful for those years and I did enjoy a whole lot of them.  Ultimately, for a little while, I was happy.  I will take those years with me, knowing that in the end I will find happiness again.  Only this time it will be different, and it will feel different because it will last.  Whether I’m alone or not, I will be okay.
    I have some job interviews this week.  The security of work would mean so much to me, and give me so much more confidence in starting out my new life.  I’ll move out, I will be happy and peaceful living alone in a little appartment somewhere.  It’ll be quiet, but never lonely because my friends are only a phone call and a short walk away.  Life at home is good.  I belong here.  I know that.  I am settled and complete here without any man, life is not glamourous or exotic, it’s not even very exciting… but it’s good, and I think I’ll keep it.

.xox.
Kristin