If I could do it all again I would change..

If I could go back in time to about 5 years into my relationship, when I found out I was being cheating on. I would have never forgiven him. He snuck a whole relationship behind my back for 2 years, had grown distant because he said he was “stressed” and had “depression” and here he was having a whole life behind my back and even planning where to live with her. I never should have given into his begging, i never should have beleived his tears, here I am 15 years later and he ended up cheating on me so much more the years later and even sleeping with one of best friends, where is my soul, where is my dignity. Hes only been well behaved these past 4 years but always in the back of my head I cant trust him. I have that feeling hes still cheating on me, still with that one girl in our old hometown. She does everything he does, she has the same things he has, and he says its pure coincidence. I dont believe him. Here I am already growing emotionally distant from him, because now I am falling in love with another man. Im to scared to take the dive, and the other man doesnt even know im a married women. Im so twisted, im a terrible person.