Second Xmas without Lizzie

I find it hard to believe we are only 4 days away from Christmas.  I am trying really hard to get into the spirit of the season but it’s just not there for me anymore.  I’m honestly not certain it will ever come back.  I’m so glad I don’t have any young children anymore because i’m not sure I could fake it for them.  Lizzie loved Christmas….I mean seriously LOVED Christmas. All of it…the food, the music, the decorations and of course the gifts!  

I miss her.  Three simple words that say everything about my life now.  I miss her.  I love all my children and I am very lucky to have been able to add two more daughters when I married Brett.  But Lizzie was my “go to” when I wanted to chat or go shopping or anything really. I know all my kids love me but Liz liked me, does that make sense.  She enjoyed hanging out with me as an adult, we were friends.  I lost so much more than just a child when she passed away. 

This is the only time of year I allow myself to wallow in self pity.  I don’t broadcast it…I don’t walk around crying or lock myself away from everyone.  Christmas has simply lost it’s appeal for me. It’s like going from watching movies in HD color to old school B&W.  I’m not depressed, i’m just sad. And yes, there is a difference.  Trust me, i’ve been in therapy for over a year. LOL  

This year is better than last year so i’m hopeful that next year will be better than this year.  It’s a process…i’ll get there.