Keeping me awake

I can’t sleep.  I called my mom a few times last night to make sure we still had plans to hang out today and she didn’t get back to me.

In all likelihood, her phone was drained, or she went to bed early – any number of mundane reasons.

Yet, she’s been having health problems as of late and so, when I can’t get ahold of her, my mind starts conjuring up the worst-case scenarios.

My mom is 71, overweight, had a stroke earlier this year, and has been having heart problems.  There’s a lot of reason to worry.

I worry that I’ll go to her house, today, to find her collapsed and dead on her floor.  And if not today …?  It’s going to happen in the none too distant future, it’s inevitable that I find her, or she dies while out with friends, and the call comes when I’m in the middle of my day – unprepared no matter how much I try to ready myself.

Every time I leave her house I think ‘is this the last time I’m going to see my mom?’ and I know that one of those times, soon, the answer will be ‘Yes’.

It scares me.

I’m trying to ready myself for it.  Trying to get the worst of the initial reaction behind me by coming to terms with its inevitability … but it’s hard.

Some nights, like tonight, I just can’t sleep for worry of what revelations tomorrow might bring.

How does one get ready to live without their mom?