Imposter Syndrome

I figure, since I’m paying for this service, I should probably use it from time to time.

One of the biggest problems I have in my life is this constant, nagging, feeling that I am an imposter.  That everything about me is a ruse; I don’t suffer from mental illness; I’m not a good storyteller; my grades in school were given to me out of pity, and so forth.

I feel like everything I say or do is a lie and I have everyone fooled.  Even myself.

This causes me to second guess everything I do, take no pride in anything I accomplish, overcompensate with braggadocio for the perception that I have no substance.  I need people to recognize my worth because I am incapable of doing it, myself.

And I assume they’re unable to see it, because I can’t see it, and when they say they see it I just assume they’re lying to spare my feelings.  Because I’m an imposter in my friendships as much as anything else.

I tell myself, ‘your friends wouldn’t want you around if you were as worthless as you think.  Your players wouldn’t attend your games every week if they didn’t enjoy your storytelling.  You wouldn’t be flirted with so often if you weren’t charming.’ but every one of those feels like a lie, like I’m leaving out some harsh truth that I don’t want to accept, that I’m lying to myself as much as anyone else … and the worst part is, I know it!  Or, I feel like I know it … and I know that I shouldn’t feel that way …

but since when does that help?