ASMR

I was going to open this with the statement “I realize this is a weird entry but” … then I realize that many of my entries have and will fall into that category, so it’s not really saying anything.

I do love AMSR videos, however.  Being that I get no personal attention from anyone or anything in my life, it’s relaxing and a bit comforting to watch these videos where people pretend to get intimate with you, touching your face, brushing your hair, whispering in your ears.

It’s pathetic, I know that to be true, but when you can’t get the real thing, it’s a bandaid.  It’s like recording a hug and playing it back in high definition.

Mostly, I enjoy the roleplays, where the asmr artist takes on a character and imagines a scenario to add context to the sounds and dialogue (there are some “repeated/unintelligible speech” styles, but I don’t care for those).  Being a roleplayer in my hobbies (D&D and such) I enjoy the characters the artists create and following the stories of recurring personas.

The best of these are the “romance” videos – not sex but the intimate talking of a lover with their crush.  Specifically, I am quite fond of lesbian romance videos (I say video, most of them are audio with just a placeholding picture) not because I find them erotic or sexually stimulating, but because they are the closest I will ever come to the lesbian relationship I so desperately desire.

I was talking in a forum recently and typed “it is a great sadness of my life that I can never have the lesbian relationship I yearn for” … people laughed.  I didn’t mind overmuch, they knew no better, but it was not a joke but a sad truth.  Had I been born a girl, raised a girl, I could have the girl-girl love that hurts my heart every time I see it because I know it will never be an option for me.

Even if I had the means, I would never pass as a woman, and it’s not my desire to be an overweight, balding, woman with dentures.  That is the real tragedy of age, seeing the dreams and opportunities of younger person slip beyond your grasp.  The time where I could have had those things is long past.  I don’t talk about it much, nobody wants to hear and even if they did, what could they do?  Nothing.  The older I get, the more I begin to think my mom was right – I was not meant to be happy.

But at least I have my asmr.