Venting my stress away

I have really severe test taking anxiety. I actually got extra time on exams in law school because of it. I didn’t get it my first semester but my professors noticed how I reacted to having a final and a few of them told me I should request extra time. I was hesitant at first but I realized the extra time when I actually got it because I used up all of the time. Usually I would spend the first 30 minutes completely panicking and then I would start the test. I don’t have extra time for the bar and my anxiety has been consuming me.

Last night at around 1:30am my husband called me from the bedroom. He sleeps early because he works early. I went up and he told me about how he was up for another promotion at his work but how he didn’t think he was going to get it. We stayed up for a couple hours talking and he said that he wishes he was doing more with his life even though he’s doing amazing.

This morning he found he didn’t get the promotion and he was sulking in self-pity about it. I started trying to talk to him about it but he didn’t want to listen and just wanted to vent about how it’s not fair and how he should be in a higher position. Instead of being supportive, I got mad at him. I know it’s not fair to him for me to get mad but I couldn’t help it. I don’t want to always be the supportive one. Sometimes I need support too. I told him I’ll be supportive after the bar. But right now, I don’t care. He’s come so far from the last year. He has a job, in his field, doing what he loves. It’s not the end of the world. I’m the one who is so anxious and depressed over a stupid test I don’t think I’m going to pass.

I told him I’m the one who needs support. I don’t want to care about anyone or anything until I’m done with the bar exam. I don’t care. I just don’t have the brain capacity to care. I feel bad but I still don’t feel supportive. I always got straight A’s. I always accomplished my goals, so everyone thinks it’s no big deal. That it’s just another thing I’m going to pass with flying colors. So they ignore my needs and instead need something from me.

Anyway, my husband apologized. Told me not to worry about anything.

 

I went to a coffee shop close by (outdoor seating, I disinfected everything and kept my mask on), and studied there. It was nice to get out and study somewhere else. Pre-covid I hated studying at home and loved studying in libraries. Now libraries are closed so I found the next best thing. I got a lot done but still feel like I’m gonna fail. I came home 10 hours later to a completely clean house, everything done including laundry. I know I should feel worse about getting mad at my husband but I don’t. I don’t care about anyone right now. I’m never the selfish one. I just want to be alone until this test is over but that’s not even possible.

Besides my law school friends who I fucking love to death, no one else gets it. 3 of my best friends from law school are coming to visit me the day after my bar. Because they said if they’re not here I’m gonna spend a week in bed crying because everyone who comes out of the bar feels like they failed (they all took it in July and they all passed). One of my best friends has to work 12 hour shifts every day for next two weeks to get those days off. We were each other’s emotional support in law school. One text and we’d find the other person and drag ourselves to the bathroom to have panic attacks. Followed by skipping a class to get a couple drinks and reminding each other how fucking awesome we are. I sent her a distress text yesterday and she told me to get on skype. She was still working, but beer in hand she told me to pour myself a drink and let me vent for a couple hours while telling me how much better the actual bar will be. She gets it. My other best friend lets me send him long texts complaining about my anxiety and how I feel like I’m not working hard enough and he tells me to take a long break and sends me bar jokes which I object to using the rules of evidence. If I have a law question, they drop everything they’re doing to call me, even if they’re in the middle of work to explain a rule to me. I miss them so much. I miss my emotional support people.

It’s not that my husband isn’t supportive, it’s just that “you got this, babe!” Doesn’t always help. Or “the more you read the more you’ll understand” or “everyone passed you will too” Followed by “do we have any food? Can you make me something to eat?” Or “just wake up earlier and study harder” or his subtle hints about how much more money we’ll have once I start working too and “will you lose your job if you fail the bar?” It just adds to my stress.

Not as bad as my non-law school friends with their “What day is the bar again? OHHHH you’re so close it’s almost here” That doesn’t help at all. I dont want to be reminded how much I have to do.

Or my aunt who texts me everyday with a “did you pass your practice test?” Followed by “Oh no what are going to do?” Followed by “I’ll pray for you”

Or my mom who says I’m not even allowed to think about failing the bar or say that I won’t pass in front of her. Although she has been more supportive by going grocery shopping for me and helping me clean my house.

Or dad who just says “work hard, this is for your future.”

My twin understands that she can’t understand so she waits for me to text her. Her responses make me feel better because she knows I don’t need the extra pressure or stress. I’ll send her a text that says “I’m gonna fail the bar” and she’ll reply with “It’s okay, you can just take it again but I have a feeling you’ll pass”

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Venting about all these people who care about me feels SO MEAN. Everyone really wants me to do well and I’m grateful to have all these people in my life but also I’m annoyed that the people who get it are far away and I feel alone and depressed and anxious. I have another practice test tomorrow. After that I’m going through all of the rules that I’m missing.

I can’t picture myself passing. I really can’t.

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(sorry for the super long post).