No clue how to title this. Read if you want.

Feeling down today. My husband and I started a diet last week. His diet of choice. One I’ve never done. And it put me in a bad place. Eating very little and feeling very bad all the time. I lasted 7 days. Today I broke it. I really didn’t have to. I really could’ve pushed harder but I didnt want to. I felt miserable. I felt sad. I was in a bad mood all the time with no energy. Filled with hunger pangs and lightheadedness and not losing the weight I wanted to. After crying about Husband told me to break it. He told me it was okay, that he would keep going and I wouldn’t hurt his progress. That my happiness was most important.

It wasn’t the alcohol I craved. It was Chickfila. It was bread. It was cheese. But after it was broken, I still felt sad so a little wine didn’t hurt. But now, after a couple glasses, I still feel sad. I have no reason to. Somedays, I just feel the weight of being human.

I’ve long learned to mask my emotions. Don’t cry, don’t show you’re hurt, don’t react, don’t let that person know your feelings. I hid everything so well that I was drowning in pain. Suffocating in it. I felt like I was buried in a ton of paper each with my thoughts written in them. Paper that binded heavy books, larger than encyclopedias. Thousands of them lying on top of me. I couldn’t breathe. I longed for the pain to stop. Wished for it all to go away, I didn’t carer the cost.

Then one day–and I remember the day (in fact, I remember the moment)–the pain vanished. It went from pain to numbness. And the second the numbness hit, I missed the pain. Now, I’m engulfed in the numbness. It’s so hard to feel anything. The only way is to open one of those giant encyclopedia-sized books and confront those feelings. And with every page I confront,  a human emotion. But the sting is so deep, my body retracts, and the numbness takes over. I want to feel again. Even if it’s pain. But I don’t know how to tell my body.

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I spent time with my twin the other day. At first it was with the whole family. They’re used to our twin thing but we still get these “I can’t believe that” looks. Little Bro asked us what food we were craving, we both said the same two restaurants at the same. According to our family, we only half talk to each other. We say half a sentence but don’t finish it. I never noticed but I guess it’s true. It’s hard for people to keep up so they just let us be. We showed up in almost identical outfits (unplanned), it happens a lot but it’s actually not cute and really annoying. We’ve both been having this weird pain in our left ear. I think its from grinding my teeth, Twin agrees. So yeah, I suppose we have that twin thing. Sometimes, not often, something very coincidental happens that it surprises us by the similarity, but this is very rare. Anyway, everyone left and me and Twin sat alone for the night laughing and talking and reminiscing about our lives. We both saved the same quote we wanted to show the other: “anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.”

I told her I’ve been wanting to go to therapy for a while, but mom and dad don’t approve. I brought it up to them once and they shrugged it off  like it’s something I don’t need. Apparently she’s brought it up to them too, and they told her to go if she feels like she needs it. I wondered why they had such a different reaction. She said it’s because I’m the put together one and she’s the mess. Funny because she was always the strong one. I learned to mask my emotions by copying her. And now emotions flow out of her constantly, and I’m just sitting her. The “put-together one.” A complete mess. Totally numb.