My brain is gone.

I’ve been really anxious this weekend. I study and study and study nonstop and still my scores are lower than average. The multiple choice is just sooooo draining and the MPT section is so frustrating. 80 minutes to read laws and cases and create a motion or a brief from an obscure set of facts and we can’t even have a piece of scratch paper. I’ve been scoring well on my essays (all except my property ones UGH so many rules I can’t memorize them all). And today I had to go through a whole new topic that I didn’t take in law school where they’re basically cramming a semesters worth of stuff in 90 minute lectures and then expecting you to not only understand it all but to also have it all memorized. My brain is so exhausted. I’ve had the same migraine for 3 days and I just want to scream and punch something.

If I stayed in Colorado I would’ve had a job. Most law students get a job before they take the bar. Some work part time while studying for the bar and they just take off the two weeks before the bar. I moved states before my last semester. My goal was to get a job here. Before the bar. The bar in July. Then a pandemic hit and there were no jobs and no one knew if they were canceling the bar or moving it online or giving us diploma privilege or making us sit in a room with 1000+ people for over 8 hours 2 days in a row, so I deferred my bar to February.

So here are my fears:

1. I get a job after I take the bar. I fail the bar (we get results in May). And I lose my job.
2. I take the bar and I don’t get a job.
3. I take the bar and I pass the bar and I don’t get a job.
4. I fail the bar and can’t deal with the guilt of failing.

I’m a perfectionist because my parents are really hard on me. If i fail the bar I’m going to get yelled at. And it’s not the yelling that bothers me, it’s the words. They’ll say:

“You didn’t study hard enough” “You didn’t learn enough” “You weren’t focused” “You always panic” “Why did all your friends pass and you fail? All they all smarter than you? Are you stupid?” “If you tried hard enough you wouldn’t have failed” “We spent so much and helped you get to this point and you didn’t even care enough to pass.”

Ugh. Why am i taking this stupid test anyway.