Bar monster.

I jumped back into regular life a little too quickly. Gym routine plus diet, appointments plus seeing all the people I’ve ignored while studying for months on end. It all led to darkness. & I gave in. I thought, since I’ve spent days and nights studying, I can take the time off. Relax. Enjoy. But there was no enjoyment. Instead, hopelessness consumed me. I don’t want to do anything, but I don’t want to be doing nothing, but I don’t have any energy to do anything. And when I do have the energy, whatever it is I’m doing seems pointless. I’ve spent the last few weeks watching tv, painting, cooking. Feeling intense feelings to feeling numb. That’s not new. But usually I’d go weeks feeling nothing and then weeks feeling feelings. Now it switches in a matter of days. Feelings too intense to face that my body fights off until the feelings peak their way back through. I finally booked a trip to see my law school friends. They get it. They get me. I need them. Sometimes I think about moving back but UGH I can’t stand the cold. And I don’t want to be away from my family. The job market fucking sucks right now. I applied to a bunch, but only two worth it. One in a field I hate with amazing pay and horrible hours. The other, in a field I like, part-time with less pay. Anyway, I got instant responses from both jobs. Interviewed at both, and now I get my pick. Except I’m not even sure I want to work at all. Maybe I can be a writer instead. Since emotions have returned, I’ve been filled with images and ideas, but I haven’t put them on paper yet. Maybe I’ll muster up the motivation. Maybe one day.

In other news, Husband and I have been taking lots of trip. We’ve been spending much more money, but with the housing market being shit, why save anyway? I’m just trying to find a sense of purpose in my life.

I’m in an abusive relationship with the bar exam. It strangles me, cuts off circulation, making it impossible to breath, to think. And it lures me in with its compliments, promises of a prosperous future, of success, of fulfillment. And then it strangles me some more. It stopped strangling me when I was taking it. Instead, it buried me alive, slowly, meticulously, as I tried to find my way out. But even now that it’s complete, it keeps throwing the dirt in, and I stayed in the hole it dug for me, letting the dirt fall. I get my results in 37 days. Maybe I can find my way out then.