..

I’ve been feeling depressed for a little while. Not sure why. I should be enjoying the freedom of not studying but instead I feel pressure to be better and do better and I just can’t relax or be happy. I feel like life is just completely pointless. I need more of a purpose. If I’m working, I feel like I’m working too hard to enjoy my life. If I’m not working, I feel like I’m wasting my life away. I wanna drink but without the calories. Weed would help but I haven’t smoked in almost a month in case future employers are drug testing. It’s so dumb. I’m allowed to drink alcohol as long as I’m not drunk on the job. I should be allowed to smoke weed as long as I’m not high on the job. They can tell the difference between active and inactive THC. I know, i worked DUI cases.

Life just feels pointless. I’m just going through the motions til I die. Life is just distracting yourself from the fact you’re going to die at some point.

I told Husband I was feeling like this. I’m guessing he’s going to try to make tomorrow a day worth living for. I feel bad whenever I tell him things like this because I feel like he feels responsible. Like he feels like it’s his fault, like he’s doing not enough. It’s not him, it’s me. It’s my fucked up mental state, that I know he can’t fully understand. I don’t want him to feel like it’s his fault he’s feeling this way. But it’s also not like I can stop feeling this way.

Okay bye now.