Voices

Doorbell
I have keys, but I want to be polite
Nothing
Doorbell
Wait
– Joe?
Knock lightly
Wait
Nothing

The key slides into the lock
Turn
The bolt thuds inside the door
Open
Silence
The apartment is dark
I turn and close the door
Something is different, I can’t quite place it
Silence
There’s a very quiet sound that’s missing
I stand still at the door
It reminds me of something Jody told me once
About being still in the apartment
Disappearing
– Joe?
A soft shuffle-sound from the kitchen
I move
Jody’s sitting on the floor, leaning against the cupboard beneath the sink
Staring
– Jody?
He looks at me, then past me again
I turn my head, hadn’t noticed the fridge
He’s pulled it out of the alcove
The power-plug is lying on the floor
– Joe? Why did you unplug your fridge?
Speaking softly, as if to try and leave the quietness undisturbed
I kneel down beside him
– Joe…
In my handbag my mobile chimes
— Ah!
Jody shouts and I rock back on my feet, landing on my behind
He kicks back with his feet and slides into the corner
In a panic I fumble about in the handbag and I can’t find the phone
Something vibrates against my fingers and I clutch at it
My fingers feel too big and I’m pressing the wrong buttons
Turn it over, press the battery release and slide
The battery and the phone clatter on the floor
Silence
Jody hyperventilating
– I’m sorry – Joe…
Crawl over to where he sits in the corner, eyes wild
– I’m sorry.
Whispering
– Jody I’m so sorry.
I want to touch him
— Camilla?
He looks at me as if he’s only just recognised me
– Hi Joe.
Breathing slowing down
– Why did you unplug your fridge?
Pause
— What?
– Your fridge… um, it’s… you pulled the plug out
He looks at the fridge
Swallows
— Voices.
And I can’t stop my eyes from instantly tearing
The adrenaline in my chest takes on weight
The phone, the fridge, I’m sure he’s pulled out his land-line phone
Won’t switch on his computer
– OK.
I don’t know who I’m reassuring more
– OK… OK Joe, it’s OK.
I reach slowly for his face
He sharply inhales and moves a fraction away
The first tear slides over my cheekbone
Even though I know better, it feels like rejection
It bites further into my chest
My body slumps down against my will
The knot inside my body feels like it wants to spill-over in tears

I feel like running
I feel like getting up and running away
I don’t understand anything
It feels like everything I’ve ever known about Jody is gone

My thoughts are too shattered
It takes effort almost physical to gather them
What was it that I’d said to him?
– You think of these things as external to your life, things you don’t want.
– When I look at you, I see them as a part of you.
But I don’t see Jody now

Inhale

The fear is clouding my thoughts
I sit still and stop my tears, close my eyes

Exhale

When I open my eyes he’s looking at me
— Cam.
– Hi Joe.
— I’m sorry.
– No Jody.
And I know I can touch him now
I lean forward against his body
His heartbeat is slowing
Chest rising and falling
– Hey Joe, will you come with me some place?

Driving
I keep glancing across at Joe
His eyes dart about
The sound of the tyres on the road…
I reach out with my free hand to take his
He holds it firmly

— Where are we?
– Roman’s, do you remember?
— Nursery?
– Yeah, and gardens too.
We’re walking slowly in the sunlight
Trees that tower above us, swaying in the breeze
His hand feels so large in my own, but he seems so fragile
I lead him to a little shaded grove
There are five or so benches arranged in a semi-circle
From the low branches of the trees hang small wind-chimes
Each one sounding a tiny bell-note
We stop and stand
Jody closes his eyes
I look at his face
— Mm.
– Here, let’s sit down.
I listen to the sound of the chimes
The sound of the wind, the leaves in the trees above us
And wonder what it is they say to him