Tears

Two are in the car, in the back
I know because he told me
I wonder how that effects things, now that I know
I wonder if he wasn’t here, whether they still would be
He’s asleep in the passenger seat
Does that mean they’re asleep?
Can voices and figures be passed-on like this?
I wonder…

His breathing changes
He’s awake
— Where…
His voice is dry
– There’s some water, just there.
Trying to keep him hydrated
— Whose car?
– Cam. It’s Camilla.
He turns to me
— Did I get in here?
– Yes.
Blink
I take his hand, our hands rest on the centre armrest
— I’m sorry…
– That’s ok, don’t be sorry.
— No I… it’s just that mornings are bad.
– I know Joe.
He inhales
Turns to look out of the window
Gives my hand a squeeze
— How far?
– Not long now.

We arrive
My mother lives on the coast, just across from the beach
We were just here last Christmas, with Jodi’s parents
A largish house
She lives upstairs
— Hello Jodi.
— Hello Trudy.
Without another word, she slowly walks to him and they embrace
She has her eyes closed, but opens them for a moment to look at me
Raises her eyebrows
I nod to her unspoken question
She smiles, closes her eyes again

— Jodi do you want to eat?
— Um.
— Have you eaten today?
– Yeah I think, he um, had an apple, I think.
— Do you want to eat?
— I don’t… I don’t…
— That’s alright, but if you haven’t eaten by tomorrow morning, you really should.
– Mum do you have yoghurt?
— There’s plenty of fruit, but I’ll have to run down to the shops for yoghurt. Do you have yoghurt?
— … Yes.
— I’ll go and get you some then.
– No it’s alright, I’ll go.
— No relax Cammy, you’ve come a long way. Sit down, both of you, I’ll only be a few minutes.

Evening
Jodi eats half a salad sandwich and a small bowl of yoghurt
I make sure he drinks two glasses of water
Mum kisses me goodnight
Goes to Jodi and wraps up his head in her arms
— If you can’t sleep, wake me.
She kisses his hair, then turns and goes upstairs
– What are you thinking about?
— Work.
– I called Patrick, you can take as long as you need.
— I meant you.
– I have plenty of leave, just like you.
Pause
— You organised this?
– Yes.
Outside the sound of the waves
The room is dimly lit by the last of twilight
I get up and settle down next to Jodi on the sofa
He slowly lifts a hand to brush my face
— I’m so tired Cam. I’m sorry.
– Don’t be sorry.
A whisper
— I love seeing you like this.
Pause
Touches and brushes
— Your face drawn in shadows.
I take his hand
Press his fingers to my lips
— I wish I weren’t crazy.
– You’re not crazy.
— I wish all of this weren’t happening.
– Why?
— Because maybe then you’d believe me.
Inhale
— When I say I love you.
Tears
And for a moment I wish he weren’t ill either
The tiniest moment of selfishness
Thoughts of running and laughing and making-love
But then I realise
Through all of this
He is already loving me so much
– I believe you.
He sniffs, and I realise he’s crying
– I believe you and I love you.
I move my body, press myself against him in embrace
And there we sit until dawn