Knots | part two

I sit on the three-seater
Another coffee in my hands
Silence
Turn my head to look at the amplifier and CD-player
Shift my vision to my CDs
As my eyes move over each one, a sample of music plays in my head
Too easily the sounds are dispelled
I wonder at what has moved me so far off centre
The smell of coffee
Outside it’s getting dark
I set the glass down on the side-table
Stand
Move
Turn on a floor-standing lamp
Turn
Move
Sit
Coffee

9 PM and I shake myself from my reverie
The feeling of imbalance evolves into restlessness
I stand and walk to the studio
Turn on the computer
It begins its start-up ritual
Beeps, fans, the sound of the hard-drive reading
My desktop appears
No icons
No wallpaper
I stare at the pointer, glowing in the middle of the screen

—– Evening.
– Morning.
—– What time is it there?
– Just after nine.
—– How have you been?
– Well. Yourself?
—– Not bad.
– That’s good.
—– Are you being shorter than usual, or am I imagining things?
– You’re not imagining it.
—– What’s up?
Pause
– I think I’m losing myself.
—– How so?
– In other people.
—– In me?
– No, not you. You’re… different.
—– Because of the whole online thing?
– Yes.
—– I can understand that.
– I mean, we talk about personal things, but, there’s an unspoken yet explicit separation between us.
—– That would be the separation that comes with not being in direct contact.
– Exactly.
Pause
—– That’s just people Joe, real people. We all have to deal with them.
– Yeah… yes I know. I just,
Pause
I don’t know what I’m trying to say
I know exactly what I’m trying to say
– I hate the feeling of loving people but not being able to help them.
—– Oh?
– Getting involved… I try not to get involved but there are times when…
Pause
– When it’s right to. Not that it’s my moral obligation, but – I want to.
—– Something happen? Recently?
– Yeah. It’s complicated, but I couldn’t stand by and not get involved.
—– What does getting involved mean?
– It means parents, friends, friends of friends… sister.

While I chat I attempt distracting myself
Video clips of clever things
Flash animations
Serious art and literature reviews
Click click click
Scroll
I sign out
Turn the computer off

Out of the studio
Lamp still on
I look at my bedroom
Turn and look at the bottles on a shelf in the kitchen
My mobile chimes
– Hi.
— Sorry to call you so late.
– I was up.
— Are you home?
– You can call the land-line if you like. Are you still there?
— Yeah.
Pause
– Do you want to call me at home?
Pause
— Yeah OK, one sec.
The handset on the counter rings
Click
– How did it go?
— It’s still going.
– Do you want me to come over?
— I don’t think so. Everyone seems to be calm now.
– And how are you?
I couldn’t stop it before it left my lips
— Jesus Joe, I don’t know.
Pause
— Did you know? I mean before today?
– No.
Pause
Quiet phone static
— What about this Liam guy?
– Camilla,
I stop and keep the fear from my voice
Fear of her getting into things I don’t want her to know about
Like my history
– Your sister’s not the only one with a past.
I don’t want to say more
– Anyway it doesn’t matter, it’s resolved.
Pause
— Fuck you.
– What?
— No seriously, fuck you.
– Listen – Liam is Kane’s friend, Kane was coming to the apartment and bashing on the door in the middle of the night, calling her at work, that kind of thing. Liam owes me from a few years ago, owes me plenty. It’s sorted. I don’t have to ask again.
— Did he hit her?
Exhale
– Once, before she threw him out, it’s her place.
Pause
— She told you this tonight?
– Yes.
Pause
– Are you satisfied?
— These people into drugs?
– No they don’t do drugs, they’re not criminals, they’re just bad people. Bad people I knew when I was a bad person.
Pause
— Must have been before I met you.
That’s as close to an apology I’ll get
– What about you?
Inhale
Fidgeting sounds
I imagine her furrowing her brow and biting softly at her bottom lip.
— I’m jealous.
Honesty?
– Jealous?
— Of you.
Pause
— And Evi. It’s stupid. God it’s stupid.
– Why?
— Is it stupid?
– No why are you jealous? Because she came to me?
— No um, well, yes…
Pause
Quiet phone static
— You’ve been so good to her Jody, always have.
– I haven’t been good to you?
— Of-course it’s just… I suppose, you know, she just… goes straight to you. Without thinking.
– Cam,
Inhale
– I’ve always thought that you were well able to take care of yourself.
Phone static
She isn’t responding
– But don’t for a second think that I wouldn’t do as much if not more for you.
— Yeah.
Pause
— Yeah – thanks Joe.
– I mean it.
— I know. Yes, no – I believe you, don’t worry about that, um,
Something else
Something incomplete
My chest is taking on weight and it’s an unpleasant feeling
– Cam?
— Yeah. Yes. Sorry.
Pause
– Why don’t you come over?
Inhale
Exhale