Knots | part four

Morning
Staring at the clock
Waiting for the alarm
Waiting
Get up

Office
Paper back and forth
Computer screen
Stare at the clock
1 PM
The sound of the door closing
I turn to look
– Patrick.
— Joe.
Pause
– What?
— Have you eaten?
Pause
– What has that got to do with anything?
— Come-on, let’s get some lunch, I haven’t either.
I stare at him
— You haven’t left your office all day.
I think about what he’s saying
He stares
– I went to the toilet…
— Yeah great. Get up, we’re having lunch.

Food
I’m confused by the thought
Patrick doesn’t know what he wants
— I can come back?
— That would be nice, thanks. We’ll only be a minute.
A smile from the waiter
A young attractive man with a good figure
Good posture
— What are you having?
I look back at Patrick
– Risotto.
Pages flicker
— Which one?
– Duck, spinach, pinenuts, white wine and mushroom sauce.
Pause
— I always thought you were a vegetarian.
Stare
The young man returns
Patrick orders an elaborate pasta combination
Chilled water
— You’re usually a quiet guy, Joe, I can handle it, but today’s been particularly silent, even for you.
I’m somewhere else
– Really?
— Trudy dropped off the drafts, said you hardly spoke.
Pause
– She did?
— Yeah that’s what she said.
– No she came into my office?
Pause
— How else would the drafts have gotten to you?
I try to ground myself in the present
– Yeah.
— Yeah well, so far you haven’t been rude to anyone, yes, no, please and thank-you, but that’s about it.
– Sorry.
— No need to be sorry Joe, we’re just worried is all. I’m worried.
– Thanks Patrick, really.
— No sweat. I’m not going to ask you if everything’s alright, clearly it isn’t, but if there’s anything I can do…
There’s nothing you can do
There’s nothing anyone can do
– Of-course Patrick.
I feel his sincerity, know it’s real
All the same it’s useless
I wonder if he knows how useless it is
He isn’t stupid, I think he knows

Home
Stillness
I stand at the door
The muted sounds of the world outside
Kitchen
Water
Cool liquid that I feel drift down through my chest
Turn around
A light on the answering machine
— Jody…
Camilla
— I’m sorry Jody, listen um,
A pause
Phone static from the tiny speaker
— Fuck I hate these things.
Click
Erase message
Dial her number
— Hello?
Inhale
– Cam.
— Joe…
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out
— Sorry about the message.
Still nothing
— Let me make it up to you.
– … For the message?
— No for… just… let’s go out for dinner ok?
In a voice that won’t take no for an answer
– I can pick you up,
— No I’ll come to you, be there in a minute.
Click

Dinner is a cafe within walking distance of my apartment
Cool air
Square table
Camilla’s elbows
Menu
Food
Food again
– Why is it that whenever something’s wrong I end up eating?
— Sorry?
– Patrick took me out to lunch today.
She stares
— We know you won’t eat otherwise.
I stare
— Joe I’m sorry.
I stare
– For the message?
— No not the message, for… pushing you. It doesn’t help.
– You apologised already,
— The message doesn’t count. I wanted to apologise to you for real.
I stare
— I’m sorry.
Pause
— Really. It’s just so…
Pause
— No, I’m sorry.
Eyes downcast
Then she looks at me
– Thanks Camilla.
And I mean it, I really do
The apprehension in her eyes softens
Her whole body seemed to have been rigid
Food arrives
Suddenly it’s dinner
A real dinner
Casual conversation
Languid sips of wine
Camilla freely laughs at times and I can’t help but smile
Her mood is intoxicating
Her body
Posture
Voice
I’m giving in
But the better I feel, the more my apprehension grows
I feel dizzy at the conflict of emotions
– Do you want dessert?
Her head tilts
— Let’s get a piece of cake, take-away.
– Oh?
— Make me a coffee.
What am I giving in to

Coffee
Two forks
Bailey’s cheesecake
I offer her a seat but she stays standing on the other side of the counter
We lean on our elbows
Smooth, sweet creaminess with an edge of alcohol
Perfectly complimenting the full-bodied taste of coffee
– I’m happy for her.
— Who?
– Evi. That she’s having a baby.
Pause
– We should be happy for her. Not on principle, but because we love her.
Pause
— Yeah. Yeah I am happy, I think.
– You think?
— It was just a shock. Not just that she’s pregnant, the whole thing…
A fork of cake
Sip of coffee
— She’s my baby sister you know?
– Hardly a baby.
— You know what I mean.
– Yes.
I look at the time
9:31 PM
Move to the cupboard
Meds
Glass of water
She watches me
— Tell me.
I turn my head
– Hm?
— Tell me about it.
Instantly my instincts spring up
But something holds them back
The desire to go along with this pleasantness
This feeling of something I’ve known before
Freedom, acceptance
Connection
I lift my empty glass
– I’m going to need another one of these.
— Let me make it.
She walks around the counter to the machine
— Sit down, I’ll make them.