Knots | conclusion

We sit on either side of the two-seater
Camilla cupping her glass in both hands
Smelling the aroma of her coffee
This is her ritual
Eyes closed
Lift
Inhale
In and out through the nose until she reaches some point of saturation
Out through the mouth
She drinks

Eyes open
— You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.
– No I was,
Her eyebrows
– Waiting for you.
A neutral stare, then a small smile
I stare
– It’s…
I still myself
There is a flood of expression that wants to burst
It seethes just beneath my skin
– Very difficult to talk about.
— Sure.
– I don’t know where to begin.
Sip
Camilla still holds her coffee
— Um, when did you go back on medication?
– A couple of months ago.
When she’s focussed she doesn’t blink
It makes me look away at times
Her body is relaxed though
She is comfortable
— I know I said so before, but…
She looks right at me
— I’m sorry. I know that the worst thing when you’re ill is people pressing in,
– Don’t be sorry.
— No really,
– Camilla.
Pause
– I shouldn’t be afraid of you.
Inhale
Sip
She sips
— Are you afraid of me?
– It’s nothing personal, I’m afraid of everyone.
I don’t think she understands
Everyone takes it personally
— Yeah, I can only imagine.
I’m caught off-guard, but she smiles at me
I look down at my coffee
— What about tonight? Were you afraid of me at dinner?
I look up, expecting a challenging stare
But still, that open-eyed settled posture
– No, not at all, I…
Inhale
– I like who I am when I’m with you.
Pause
– It makes me forget.
— Forget what?
– That I’m sick.
She puts her glass down on the coffee table
Extends her arm to me, palm up
I give her my hand
She takes it in both of her own, rubs her palm slowly across mine
I inhale at the sensation
— You aren’t sick Jody, it’s just who you are.
– Cam, you don’t understand, there are times when I really am sick,
— I know.
– And it isn’t very pleasant, the hypomania, the akathisia…
— Shhhhh.
– The drugs, the hospitals, the doctors,
— Jody.
I stare
— You think of these things as external to your life, things you don’t want.
– Well, yes.
— I’m not saying they’re great things, but when I look at you, I see them as a part of you.
My eyes tear
I want to believe her
I want this to be about love and trust and truth
My pride is trying to conjure anger at being so disarmed
— Jody you have to accept these things as part of you, the way I accept you.
All of my emotions seem to flow into the hand she holds
And in this moment she is beautiful
— Will you accept me, Joe?
The first tear falls
— Will you accept me?