farther underneath

– What are you thinking about?
I ask him
He stares
One of his coffees is in my hand
He raises his eyebrows
Opens his mouth, closes it again
– I’m sorry. I say, because I don’t know what else to say
– Don’t apologise.
and he really is a mystery tonight
He speaks
– You know before I couldn’t stand the music in there, it was too loud,
– Mmm. I agree, and take a sip of coffee
Flawless
– the throbbing in my head is almost therapeutic.
This is how he thinks, and I’ve never met anyone like him
It’s intriguing, engaging
Enchanting
– What does that look mean? He asks
– What? Caught out
– Like I’ve said something strange. Then the smile
and I want him to keep smiling
I want that smile
Those lips
– No not strange at all, just,
I can’t help smiling at him
It works
He keeps smiling
– It was a very you thing to say.
He exhales shortly through his nose; a gentle laugh
Relaxes his body back into the couch, face neutral again
I love the way he moves, and I want to see it again
I drink the last of my coffee and tilt the glass slightly towards him, raising my eyebrows
This whole evening we seem to be speaking entirely with our eyes
He leans forward, and I also lean to pass the glass to him
When he takes the glass, he gets up from where he sits opposite me
I watch him walk slowly to the kitchen
I stand so I can see him clearer over the bench
He lifts the pot from the stove
Pours
One for himself too
Turns and sees me standing
Stops
Opens his mouth
– I wanted to watch you, I say
He’s frozen; perhaps he thought I meant to leave
I smile at him, a small smile that I hope is gentle
and I’m beginning to be more aware of my own body
I realise that I’ve unconsciously pressed my hands to the front of my hips, smoothing my dress
For an instant I feel like the few meters between us is an infinite chasm
That the ground beneath us will open up and devour us
I open my mouth slightly
Nothing
He moves back towards the couches
Hands me my glass
I take it in two hands
– You’re beautiful, he says calmly, then sits

Inhale
Exhale

I sit down opposite him again
– Really? But I don’t want it to sound like I don’t believe him
– Yes.
I’m lost in his eyes, his body; everything
The very slightest of his movements
His posture, the way his mouth moves when he speaks
I want to be inside his body
Feel the warmth of his glass of coffee through his fingers
The softness of the couch against his thighs
The breath that moves in and out of his chest
– Where are you?
That voice
and I can’t help but sigh and widen my eyes
Fear, hope, blind optimism and resignation all at once
– I’m thinking the most selfish of thoughts, because I’m not at all thinking about him and what he might want, what he might need
– I don’t believe you, he says
I’m shaken slightly from my swirling hormones
– Sorry?
It’s a different look he has, one I rarely see
At first I always think it’s neutral, but I’ve learnt that it is a subtle expression of earnestness
– Thank you, he says
– What?, and I’m too distracted to realise how inarticulate that may be
– for coming back here with me. I know you were into the party.
I realise then that I would have left with him the instant the opportunity arose
– Thank you, it’s important to me, and to say I appreciate it… isn’t enough
Did I?
Did I leave for him?
I did, without question, and I feel like he knows this part of me better than I know myself
Then again, perhaps I knew he wanted to leave and he didn’t, or lacked the courage to do it
Whose idea was it?
Thinking back I remember that it was mine
– Do you want to go?
– Where?
– Bed.
Oh dear
I’m thinking back over everything that has happened
He’s upset
I knew he was upset at the party, even though he’s so good at not showing it
We’ve been friends for so long, I’ve been watching him for a very long time
I know that he’s upset but I don’t know why
I don’t like that feeling of not knowing
I want him to be happy
In the swirl of hormonal party atmosphere though, I had been insensitive to his mood
But here he is, thanking me
I don’t know what I feel, and I want to sort it out
– Oh dear, I say aloud
He looks at me and doesn’t have to vocalise his question

What do I say?
Exhale
Honesty

– I want to stay with you, open mouthed pause, and I want to go at the same time, because,
He won’t force me
He’ll let me stumble around until I get it out
– becuase I don’t know what the right thing to do is… I want you to be alright. You’re not alright, I can see it, and I don’t want to be here if you don’t want me to be.
Will you leave him?
Will you accept that? If he doesn’t want you?

Yes

Oh god – this is what it’s like to truly love someone
To accept that pain

He looks away, and I fight back panic
– I can’t ask you to stay if you’re uncomfortable,
Instinctively I interrupt
– Yes you can.
He looks shocked, but I have to get it out
– Stop trying to be fair and just all the time. If you ask me to stay, I will,
Sharp inhale
I’ve said it
– Gladly. I add, and now I want to get up and walk out
He isn’t saying anything, and I’m getting nervous
– I don’t expect to sleep with you tonight,
Talking circles
– and you can ask me to go whenever you want, I don’t know, I just want you to be alright.
but my mind is away and running, and I can’t stop it
– I want to watch you become alright. I want to see it.
I look at him again
– I want to be a part of it.
He isn’t saying anything and it’s killing me
The awareness of his apartment saturates my mind
His presence surrounds my body
I’ve frozen completely still, and am breathing as slow as I can

– Then stay with me,
I almost don’t catch it and open my mouth to speak again
– please. he silences me
– Please stay with me.