Ever slowly

I want to take care of myself
Do things for myself
Getting the body to move – difficult
Once it’s in motion though, there is a kind of momentum
I can keep doing things
Slowly
One at a time
Open fridge
Close hand over items
Lift
Close fridge
Turn to bench
Place items down
Prepare
Cereal
Fruit
Milk
She watches me
Her eyes following my hands
Occasionally she looks up to my face
I look at her
Sit down next to her
Look at the food
Hand to spoon
Lift
Open mouth
Chew
Swallow
And it seems exhausting
Spoon down
I look at Camilla
Her head is turned to the side as she watches me
Spoon hovering above her bowl
– Um…
— I’m watching you.
– Mm.
— Is that alright?
– Sure.
Pause
— I like to watch you eat.
Pause
– To make sure I’m eating?
— Not really, just because.
I stare
Then I give a small smile
In her eyes, she smiles back
Food
Repeat the process again
After a while, Camilla begins eating

— Let’s walk.
– The beach?
— Yes.
Sand
Bare feet
The sound of waves
I watch Camilla lazily wander into the shallows
Water washing over her feet to the shore
Returning to the sea
She turns to look at me
— Do you like it?
She calls out
I turn my head

And they are there

Standing in the surf, the shallows
Turn again to the sand
Standing all around me
Facing me
— Joe?
I don’t want to move
I can feel them watching
Observing
— Joe?
Camilla walks to where I stand
— Jodi? Are you alright?
She takes my hand
Inhale
But I don’t know what to say
How to say it
— We can go back.
– They’re here.
She turns around to look
— Who?
– So many.
I wonder if she can see them
I wonder if she’s one of them
— That’s alright Joe.
I can hear myself breathing
— Hey, Jodi, look at me.
Camilla’s face
— It’s alright. They’re here. That’s alright.
Staring at her
— Do you know what they want?
Shake my head
— Are they saying anything?
Again no
— So let them be here.
Inhale
— They can come for a walk with us.
I turn my head
They haven’t moved
— Come-on.
She pulls on my hand
I take a step
My visitors drift to perhipheral vision
I know they are keeping pace
I turn my head
— Don’t be afraid.
Camilla squeezes my hand
She leads me to the shallows
The cool water rushes over my feet
I hear a sharp intake of breath
Turn my head
There a young girl stands, looking at my feet
A look of delight on her face