better or worse

i don’t know what awareness is
the shape of conscious thought
ideas strung together in some semblance of sense
i don’t know whether it’s normality or madness
or grief or denial
whether i mourn the past
or lose hope for an empty future

i don’t feel attacked by the past
or fearful of what is unknown and yet to come
i don’t fight against it to keep it out
it’s just there
and no matter what my state of apparent awareness
it’s all just there

except it’s more there

i am alone
it doesn’t make me worry
no fear is brought about by it
but aknowledging it is changing me
i’ve been alone for a long time
but now i know i am alone
i want to talk to someone
i find i ask myself
– who do you want to talk to?
to which my reply is
– anyone

——————

that is a lie
i want to talk to Kyoto
and i can’t

——————

begin again with awareness…