the doubts and stuff (edit)

like i said, rochester wasn’t that bad. we all had quite a decent time. i think. nick spent most of my visit being extremely worried at how everything was going, and i spent a good portion of it taking stock of all the things i’m going to have to get used to if/when we all live together.

at best i am unsure if i can continue.

today is nick and lindsay’s anniversary. it gets to me more than i’d like to admit that they’ve been together for so long. she being his great love and all, they are apparently very territorial about the sanctity of their anniversary, which is why i returned to new york yesterday and not today. despite the fact that mike lives in the very same apartment, and worked an evening shift today, therefore hanging out at home with the happy couple most of the day, it apparently would have crossed someone’s-everyone’s- boundaries if my visit had extended, even slightly, to today.

not having had an anniversary yet (my reaction to today being nick and lindsay’s anniversary tells me i’m not ok after all with the decision for my own anniversary to be moved to february), maybe one of you all-all of you all- could explain to me the importance of anniversaries and the inherent specialness? 

speaking of special, i am outright jealous, particularly today, that nick’s relationship status reads ‘in an open relationship with lindsay.’ it’s a terribly small thing, the facebook relationship status. cliche’d as it is, i do, in fact, want my own status, at some point, to read, ‘in a relationship with [insert real person’s name]. and in the case of the current group relationship, for nick and lindsay to represent themselves specifically as being in an open relationship with each other, it implies that nick’s relationship with me, and lindsay’s relationship with mike, are secondary, which i don’t think is true. or at least, i kind of hope not.

i wonder now why i’m so worried about how i come across to lindsay. my conclusion that she’s a bit inadvertently selfish has not changed, and if she doesn’t have a problem with the way that comes across, why should i worry about my own demeanor? 

i am envious of the fact that she and nick interact and do things together as equals. despite the fact that there actually are a few things nick and i enjoy doing together, we seldom do them, and i realized while upstate that it’s an aspect of my relationship that i’m missing. perhaps it’s an inherent part of me being a slave that causes this. perhaps nick and lindsay interact that way because he doesn’t view her as an equal at all, but as someone he can beat or exceed. his own father, after all, has never had a partner or spouse anywhere near as smart as he is. and nick has tended a bit down the same path in his own relationships.   

then again, as someone who hasn’t been in any relationship at all, until now, maybe i’m simply expecting too much out of the current one.