cranky

disclaimer: the following is 100% pure grumpy, and less than half of it makes any actual sense. you don’t have to read it.

my head hurts and i’m really tired and i don’t want to sleep because at some point since may i have lost the precious ability to sleep by myself and i’m starting to resent the idea of going up to rochester on friday to ‘practice’ living together with nick/lindsay/mikey and i am FUCKING SICK of these awful houseguests and matt’s domestic carelessness which has resulted in the houseguests leaving all manner of things lying about, which is not ok when you’re a guest in someone’s house. they have only been here a few days, but it feels like they’ve been here a week! 

i’m sick of crappy friends and bad surprises and messy, hurtful emotional outbursts and unions and the entirety of winter and all manner of other things. at the moment the thing i resent the most, underneath everything, is the fact that i have been so quickly undone by nick. or being in a relationship. or both. most of the time i think i’m a pretty decent person, but my current inability to enjoy the prolonged experience of being by myself, for myself, is symptomatic of all my long-held concerns about being in a relationship. i hate that i’m currently mucking about in a negativity pool, and that i’m not enjoying my week, and that absolutely everything, including the thought of seeing nick in a couple days instead of a full week, is annoying the living fucking daylights out of me.

i was genuinely looking forward to rochester, so eager have i been to see nick. i have to keep reminding myself that i’m not going to get to have any sexy fun, nor sleep, with him while i’m up there. i feel a bit useless in nick’s absence. blame it on the nature of being a slave, i guess. i don’t know how to balance my previous, entirely independent existence with … well, whatever this is. but in rochester, with lindsay- it’s one thing to be a huge fan of an idea, and quite another to actualize what you’ve imagined. I dearly like the thought of all of us living together soon. and in that sense, rochester will be practice. we will all be cohabitating under one roof for the weekend.

on the other hand: i think rochester this time around is primarily about meeting lindsay’s needs. when we’re all *actually* living together, i (think i ) will be sleeping with nick most of the time. and i’ll actually get a say in plans that pertain to me. i don’t think that is what rochester is going to be like. she’s had him for over a decade, which means she has had hundreds of nights’ sleep with nick more than me. and i feel profoundly guilty about my selfishness for always wanting to sleep beside nick, even in rochester. they want to be gracious about meeting everyone’s needs, and i guess the visit in may has made a more powerful impact than i thought, because a part of me still tends to see her as inadvertently selfish, despite what evidence and people may say to the contrary. her need: be around nick as much as possible while he’s there, cos she hasn’t seen him since may, and who knows when she’ll see him next. my need: sleep with my fucking master. not really compatible. i’ve been trying to tell nick to not even worry about trying to accommodate my needs. what’s the point? he needs to see her too. and if i’m firm about representing my (one) need, it just makes me look like one of the Crazy Preceding Bitches, wanting to get mine at everyone else’s expense.

how much longer am i going to have to pay the price for the widespread damage they caused? 

part of me wants the validation of being in a monogamous relationship. there are a lot of times, when faced with situational reality such as this, that i wonder if i actually am at all equipped for being in a poly relationship. or being in this poly relationship. and a large part of me is mad at myself over the fact that this is my first relationship ever and at times i don’t feel special enough (I suppose monogamous relationships are like that too) and that there is so much about me, in regards to others, that i don’t know. and all of me wonders, often, how long this particular relationship is going to continue to work. how much longer, in fact, my needs are going to continue to align with nick’s et. al.

i think i don’t want to go to rochester any more. wonder if it’s too late to change my ticket …