July 21, 2007

for lack of better words.

I for one am glad that the wedding is OVER.
I did walk up to her-now-husband and congratulated him…and welcomed into the family.
I also let him know he now has his own tree.
The tree thing….it’s where the family is going to bury you when you fuck up.
Arthur and Jeremiah have their own tree. And now, Don, he has his.
I hope she’s happy with ole one nut.
Of all things I HATE…is chaos. Me and Dana woke up late…it was 9:30 and mom and them were already pretty trashed on vitamin V(valium)…telling me and Dana we needed to hurry up and get there to decorate. We finally dragged each other out the bed and get there, and everyone like runs off into the house and starts getting more fucked up. Dana’s hanging off ladders hanging up decorations, while I’m arguing with mom about the kids being in the jumper…she really expected them to stay inside the jumper the WHOLE time..and not get in and out. Pffffft…dumbass.
We left early. We were both pissed off because no one was helping…so we came home, got dressed…and we were late coming back. Judge was late so, didn’t see the difference.
Not like we rehearsed any fucking thing anyways. Kids were going everywhere…Jess forgot her bouquet…yeah, let me tell you. I’m gonna put a bunch of pilled out fuckers in charge of MY wedding.
They said "I do"…and it was over.
We ate food, and took off as soon as we could.
Apparently, mom and them had a grand old time…Drank every bit of alcohol in the house last night.
Glad I missed it. We were passed out by 10 last night.
I filed my unemployment on Friday. Hopefully I get something soon.
I was offered a job-a FOR SURE thing-at the wedding. It would pay the bills, and that’s about it. Only thing is, I need a car.
I have no way back and forth other than my bike.
And that’s because I don’t have a driver’s license.
Because of all the tickets I still haven’t paid off.
I’m fucked.
I’ve been sick to my stomach for the past few days…
I have no clue what I’m going to fucking do.
I’ve filed child support.
Filed unemployment.
I have no job.
Micah needs school clothes and supplies.
It’s like I take 2 steps forward and 4 back.
I do so good…get where I need to be…and everything FALLS fucking apart.
I got a letter from my dad the other day…been marinating on my mind last couple of days…I think mostly because he struck a nerve talking about somethings we both have alot in common. Things I have never written about, or really even talked about here or to Dana.
And it really creeped me out.
I had written him saying that there’s a "Howell" gene(jokingly)…for some reason…it seems as if the true "Howell" children have problems with the same drugs and even with keeping jobs.
He responded back talking about how he has always wondered about it…but thought maybe it was only the men…but me, Jo and even my cousin Michelle have the same problems. He said it’s a fear of success. And when we succeed, we self-destruct. It’s true. That’s what happens with us. I get it together, and it all falls apart. Although, this time, it’s not really my fault. I just got laid-off…it’s part of working construction.
Then he got to talking about his weight problem.
This is a touchy subject…I know that I am overweight..and yes, it bothers me…but it seems I’m powerless over food.
He was writing about his fight with his weight…how he would lose weight…then stop…and gain it back…one part in particular hit me…
"I lay at night and think of how I’m going to change how I eat…and how I’m going to exercise..and I get it all right in my mind…then I wake up the next day…and eat everything I can get my hands on. I eat my food and whatever else the guys around me don’t eat…it’s a cycle I can’t stop…"
It’s a cycle that I cannot stop either.
I have fought with my weight for years now. I do the same thing my father does…I plan it out, and the very next day…I do exactly as I do any other day.
My downfall, is sugar. Soda’s…candy…I fucking crave it…
I have tried the South Beach diet. I did really good…I lost 11 pounds…but I got tired of the food and just had to have a coke. I’ve gained 25lbs since then. I got with Weslie and started working tons of hours, and lost some weight…but when we broke up…depression set in, and I started eating again.
I stopped smoking…weed…And I even gained weight then.
It’s crazy, and it makes no sense.
I stopped harder drugs…and can’t fix my eating habits.
It’s funny, the legal shit is so much more dangerous for your health…but damnit, it’s legal.
I’m gonna save this and go duct tape the kids together.
They are having way too much fun in the living room.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.

kris.

July 22, 2007

i think im fat because of my period being here for 2 weeks. you dont look bad, you are so fawkin hawt. mrowrrrr.