Just plain sad today…

I don’t know – just plain sad today. Yesterday was Mother’s Day. There was not much celebration at home. My husband was still in really bad anxiety. He could not even call his Mom to say Happy Mother’s Day, so I called her wishing her a happy Mother’s Day. She was very kind, she sent me a very nice bouquet of flowers for Mother’s Day. Most were yellow, and while I don’t think it’s as pretty as her previous bouquet (last year, I guess, for my birthday or so), I was quite touched  by her action. Feel very fortunate to have such a Mother-in-law, and in fact, all of my in-laws are really good and kind, even though we don’t have much contact with them, mostly because we live 2000km+ away from them.

And I don’t know why I’m suddenly sad today, in my office. I thought of home – where my daughter may be on her laptop for playing rather than logging on her online classroom at Google Meet. While she was at school, of course her teacher will make sure she attends classes, working on projects, writing and turning on works/assignments, but here, I’m at work, and could not make sure she will do anything. Then I feel concerned about my husband. Poor him! Must be quite a bad time suffering from anxiety. Me going through depression before, a few times, it’s not a nice place to be. Really feel for him. And can’t do much. Enduring a family members going through an episode of depression/anxiety is tough. Or I just learn of it so far.

While I manage to work with my research student in the morning, I don’t find the energy to do more things to prepare for his coming days of work. We will have like thirteen weeks together – I have lost the piece of paper recording that, I need to find it again. And don’t want to do that either. My problem is to figure out enough work for him to do over that period. He moves quite fast through the literature review, so I will need to think harder.

Or maybe because of that bitter taste that lingers on my mouth, which has started since Friday or Saturday evening, out of nowhere, and does not want to go away. I read, it seems to be because of acid surplus from the stomach, but the med for acid surplus does not seem to help. Or maybe because I’m suffering from some med withdrawal, I’m trying to lower my Do’s dosage, just by one pill a day (I usually take three a day, have tried to reduce it to two, for the last 3 days – today is Day 3). I don’t know, anything can be a reason. And anything may not be the reason.

Or because I’m missing him. We have stopped contact for a bit more than 10 days, I will say. I still remember that exact day that he called me almost near to the middle of the night (my night). Now sitting here I don’t know if I should be regretful that my actions have contributed to this situation today, which include his suffering as well as my suffering. As usual, his suffering is way heavier than mine. Sigh… I try not to blame myself, saying that things have happened the way it happened, and fate has decided to separate us, like this. For how long? I don’t know. I don’t think it is forever, but I feel a sense of desperation over the daunting future of endless waiting and permanent silence. How long can I handle it? How long will this love linger on with me? I don’t know. Let’s take one day at a time, just live and feel. And he’s still here with me, in my heart, in my thoughts, everyday. At least, so far, till now.

Last night I wrote a poem for him “Love of the bilingual”. I liked that poem’s idea and expression, and felt more satisfied with it compared to the previous two poems I wrote the previous day. I’d like him to read it, but I need to calm myself down. Yes, he’d get to read it, just not now, will be a long time in the future. Everything now is counted by month and I really feel for his suffering. He’s a social person and he likes to socialize and associate with a number of friends in his literature circle and likes to read a lot. He likes interactions, and now he needs to give it up. Is it all my fault? Is it our shared fault? Or is it just fate? Things have happened as they have, and I can’t do anything to reverse time. I also don’t have this knowledge ahead of time – should I know it, I will refrain myself. But as moody as I am, and as uncontrollable as I am, I don’t know if I can do it either.

I have other literature friends, but I don’t find excitement talking to them. I maintain conversation, as I know I need it, to a certain degree. I want to feel belonging, I’d like to share thoughts and ideas. But I don’t find joy, excitement and thrill there.

I still believe that whenever he thinks of me, I will feel something. I don’t cry uncontrollably like before, but I will keep thinking about him nonstop and/or do something for him. Yesterday, around 7:00pm, I just suddenly had an urge to read back a few emails of “Iris Flower” (as we normally call her), and then I found the email that I wrote to him about my friendship with her. I read it, and then read down to the first few emails that we had exchanged with each other. And I could see myself back then, fluttering like a flower in his wind, even though he did nothing or said nothing. I still don’t know why I was just so nervous and clumsy and just tried to run away from him because I could not explain my feelings towards him when we first knew each other. Sigh… It was just so special. That’s why I don’t find my current friends as interesting, at all. I thought about it, I felt I’m surrounded by his love again, and then I wrote that “Love of the bilingual” poem at night – in that mood.

Today I attend another Teaching Retreat, but I find it not interesting at all, even worse than the previous teaching conference I was in. Or because I’m blue today? I don’t know. Maybe I need to take a short break before doing anything. Let’s hope the late afternoon (evening) will be better.

Not crying today, just simply feeling blue…

10 May 2021
Vivid Memories