A little reflection

I get up late today. It is a Thursday. I was recovering from my 10-day streak of crazy-busy-working-like-slave. Grading is not my strength, and yes, I have done far better since my years at M. I can now jump in and do the grading without too much of procrastinating, oh well, still a little bit. I really wish that I’m so eager grading like eager writing poetry or diary, but that’s yet to come.

I get up checking my messenger and feel disappointed as he does not reply. And then I start my thinking-cycle, which is not good, I know. I just realize how bad and tricky the situation is between the three of us, as any triangle of romance is, I believe. Someone may say, it’s a lose-lose-lose situation for all involved. And yes, I understand it, he understands it as well. Just we can’t leave. I have tried multiple times to leave him just to get me out of the situation and find my saneness and probably moving on to other things in my life. But then, if he reaches out for me, I’m hopelessly falling right back. Like, there is no piece of firmness in me, I’m just a puddle of water, or mud, or chocolate, or anything. Soft and dissolving, with every word he says. I don’t know. I feel helpless towards him. Not really sure if I have felt that with anyone before. Not to that level, I will say.

I understand him and understand his struggle also. He has defined that she is an essential part of his whole life and I’m essential to his internal life. And I don’t know. He’s essential to me as well. Maybe part of the reason I don’t leave him or I can’t leave him (yet) is because I don’t have a destination after him. Where am I going to? Nowhere! I will probably involve myself in another meaningless relationship, which brings some excitement, but then to my dismay, will always end up in tears, separation, etc. I don’t hate the men that I have somehow involved emotionally with, I have trained myself very well in that respect. The most I’d do is to be indifferent to them. I always acknowledge what has happened between us, but I also know that it has been the past. I don’t know, it’s just me, myself. I’d keep moving forward. Now, I can’t, or not  yet. I’m stuck with him here. And he knows that. Will he move on? Maybe, I don’t know. Till a point we may need to drop this relationship or just let it die in a dull way, an erosion of feelings caused by boredom and lack of connection. Till then, we are stuck.

When I’m busy, I take things as given, i.e. I’m not trying to improve things or improving the relationship. Like what men say, ‘it’s not broken, don’t fix it”. But as I’m a woman, I always try to improve things. Ok Ok, someone reading to this part is going to say I’m too much fixated and limited in that gender thing, but gender difference is evident. I appreciate the difference and acknowledge them. Similar to the way I acknowledge myself as me. Acknowledging our current love as is. Can’t coat a pinkish layer on it, I can, but when I dream. And between my dreams, there are time that I’m very alert, probably as of now.

How am I going from here? I don’t know. He probably does not know either. He does not want to hurt anyone. He loves both, dearly to his heart. And yes, it’s funny to say, but it’s how it is. And both women love him. Can we co-exist? I’m causing pain to the other, I know. I can’t help. I totally don’t hate her, nor jealous. I don’t have any of that feelings towards her. But I don’t want to hurt her any further. Moving to an online open diary like this, I feel at least I can tear myself out here to everyone, with a little bit privilege of being anonymous, until I can. I can expose myself and my thoughts to him, but without letting her know about it. So, ironically, going publicly like this will be a sort of privacy between the two of us, till when I still want to write, and to express myself, or have time and energy to do so.

After agonizing myself out of nothingness, I go back to attending the second day of my conference. And things clear out. So, I understand how he can handle things. He has a very heavy workload, which requires his full concentration. And that helps. His heavy responsibility keeps him intact and sane. His other interests besides love also keep him balanced. Same with me, my family, my work keep me balanced. It’s the routine that keeps you balanced, K. That’s what my closest girlfriend tells me. And she says, don’t try to severe the connection, it will last when it’s meant to last, and it will go when its time comes. Don’t ponder about when, about how, just live your life as normal, carry on your duties, your work, your other hobbies and interests, don’t over-think, and bee happy.

Yes, probably, then, my half-hour break is up, and I will stop here for today, I guess…

29 Apr 2021