some needed new ideas on a problem

 today is not a happy entry. me and  the bf had a long talk and it almost ended badly. and by ended babdly i mean the relationship. i can honestly say im conflicted and i have no one to talk to about it. i mean yes i have friends but its hard to explain and most friends tell you what they would do instead help you in your situation. friends should give you insightful opinions go thought the list if pros and cons and find out how you feel. i know how that sounds but its true. most people tell you what you should do instead of listening and let the person come to a decision for themselves with guidenace. 

so we had a talk about the new baby. in this moment he does not want it. he says he is not ready and that its too soon. that is that problem in a nutshell. so i pushed to make a decision. a choice on us and a choice in his involvement. I made my choice to keep the baby even thougah that he wanted me to have it taken care of. so he should have a choice in rather or not he should be involved. that seems fair and right to me. well he chose to end it all. he chose to end our relationship and to have nothing and to have nothing to do with this unborn child. and i cried. i cried so bad that i have a almost rash like condition on my face. and then i went back to him and talked to talk it out. to see if i can change his mind. and honestly i have no idea where things are at this point. but under further probing i found out that he is in a unhealthy place mentally right now. that he has sought counselling and even seeing chapel within the military and ever to gone so far to see a psychiatrist. now i did not know that. does it change things yes. so i have no idea what to do. im just lost. i mean he feels that lost and helpless and in need of help. which i commend him for seeking. but is fair to me. is it worth it to try to work it out with him. he is no means perfect but i accept him for who he is and love him. it would be fruitful if we worked though it together we would become closer in a way that i always wanted. do not misunderstand he loves me… he loves myles.love is not easy for him change is not easy for him. we are fundamentally different. we have had to work though a lot of those differenices. and i don’t see the point in giving up at this point. he quits when things get tough. there is love there and i know that he can open his heart to this new little one. but i do not know if we should try or go. and going is not that easy. i have a extrememly little income and no support here not to mention i am almost 5 months pregnant. ive just started on getting positive things going in my life. going to school and preparing for the baby. in all honestly i am just now gettng excited …i mean really excited about being pregnant and have a another one. i do not wish to be a single mom with kids from 2 different dads. i just want my family. the family i did not have. i want my kids to have a loving mother and father and be raisied with both of them. not that my childhood was easy or bad. but we must strive to give our kids the best we can. i feel hope… i see hope but is that cause of how im wired? i wnt lie there have been times where i just want to be done. but then i knock myself out and keep going. you never get what you want by giving up. it doesnt matter what it is. well im running late. must run some errands and get things ready for tonight. i have some unusual ideas to help center him. things i have forgotten until my trip to nc. and i think he would be open to these ideas now vs at a earlier point.