i miss friends

 it really sucks living somewhere and not have any friends. its not as easy when you have kids. honestly the requirement gets a little harder. i mean unless they have kids then its harder to plan things but in the same sense its harder still if they do. and to be honest its just hard to find someone you click with. i don’t even get a babyshower. i don’t get to have someone to spill into the baby talk and all things we talk about with kids and being pregnant and blah blah. i mean i have the bf but he doesn’t understand and its not always his favorite subject. i have nothing ready for the baby. i just don’t see the point mostly since i don’t know the sex. and why does it matter. it sounds pretty down.. and im excited about the new baby. but i don’t get any of the other stuff. last time i was working too hard and had an asswhole for the dad. th time i have the bf and myles. but myles is too young and randy isn’t into baby things. he tries. don’t get me wrong but its just tough. when i need to just leave for some space i have no where to go. no friend to just hang out cause i can. in some ways i feel so isolated from people. i like my life. i am with a man i truly love and have wonderful son (minus tempertaums). idk. maybe i should just shut my bitching and be happy with what i have. 

side note. tomorrow is the our official two year anniversary. i had almost forgotten honestly. i wish it was like a week ago. i would have been happier. we had a fight. some of it was stupid, some  unanswered questions, and some truths came out. i want to go into counseling…i want us to go too. i mean i have my issues and there’s things i need to work on. and i even said that. but hes like one thing at a time. he going to see a shrink the 10th. and i am super ready for that appointment. he tolled me that he doesn’t feel like he can talk to me, or open up to me cause ill use it against him. and that really hurt. that hit home to. its just like what my mom did to me. i’m keeping the cycle going…but i don’t want to. i want to break that. i want to be open and him open to me. he rather talk to this girl i dislike. i dislike her because of him and his actions. she loves him and would give anything to be with him. he knows this. he uses that. i want to just rub her nose in the fact im pregnant with his kid. cause she deserves it in my opinion. look i have a nasty side too. but whatever. i might do it one day. i already tolled him about it.. just havent done it yet. my inner peace is gone. i need to get it back. but i  cant get it back when i have no outlets. sigh. i wonder so many things. and its too hot. and its storming. the power might go out again. who knows. it was kind of fun last time. running around with a candle and playing games on my phone. but i was super tired when the power came back on and the fans worked. 

i love that boy with everything i can. i love both my boys with everything i have. sometimes i like i am like my mom expect to much. but where is the line? of being treated like you deserve to .expecting to much. i wonder. brain is dying ..hopeful sleep time. night